Random Thoughts...I'm gettin shit off my chest

okay...this is how you know that I am bored! i gotta lot on my chest...im not angry or anything...i just have to get it up before it backs up on me like chesse and then you cant get it out and you can't use the bathroom...tmi lmao.
Party on, my brotha: So like last week I went to a kappa party, hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that it would be a regular party. Let me tell y'all sometihng! IF YOU WANT TO STROLL EVERYWHERE YOU WALK AND DANCE THEN JUST THROW A GREEKS-ONLY AND GET OUT OF MY SPACE! Now I know I sound somewhat bitter or something like a hater, it's just not so...I just have a problem holding grudges. No disrespect yo, but alot of dudes and chicks go greek becasue they were nobody before and they become somebody that way...and if you pick that way to go, that's fine. But can you achieve infamy on your own, my friend? Also, Greeks do great, great things for our community as a whole. But on a greater scale, why cant we ALL (unified!!) join hands and get something done! Maybe sing Kumbayaa? ok maybe not Kumbayaa...Perhaps I'm still an annoying freshman picking at the edges of this rotting carcass we call school, but I was somebody in high school and I will continue to be somebody afterwards.Honey.
Which brings me to my next sitch: I'm definitely a somebody,baby, but who the hell am I?(This feels like such a private subject but I am totally like putting myself on blast...lol)I hear all the time that if you are jealous of somebody or wary of another person (or girl), then that's a reflection on yourself....but cant somebody just get on my nerves? Can't I just wanna kick the crap outta somebody? Can't I just take somebody apart piece by piece by looking at them and then talking about them? No, I can't. It's not right. Just today some girl wrote a smart-aleck comment on facebook and when I read it, I wanted to race through Cyberspace and choke her! That's a problem...and on the whole, I need to get it together.And while I have to do that whole "introspection" thing, I still gotta do good in school!
School: I love to learn! Seriously! But dangit if I dont have the most boring classes in the world! It makes it hard to learn....what did the greats do with this problem, since I'm following SOMEBODY's footsteps (don't know whose, but aint nothin new under the sun)It is so hard to crack a book here, with it bein so cold, and you just wanting to sleep...listen to me. I sound pitiful.

back like crack and i never left! oh, and that's Ashleigh Nikol now....

i would love to give a shining report of how well christmas went, but since this is MY life, of course that didnt happen. On my last post,I talked about how great of a friend Walter was...and that all men arent dogs. Well, people, I am still trying to hold on to that adage, so I won't go man bashing. But just know that walter turned out to be less of the great man that I described him to be.He did great things for me that I couldnt do for myself at the time....but on the flip side, he was mean, (downright cruel at times) did questionable things to get the money he got,and on top of that lied to me!The best thing he taught me was to stand up for myself when it comes to getting verbally abused. Now, I can spar with the best of them when it comes to a war of words, but when it comes to men that I care about, im soft in the middle. like a marshmallow...however, try me now. Ashley is truly a beast.lol. Needless to say, our friendship has since dissolved.Everyone couldnt wait to get home from college for winter break, myself included. Once I was there, things started to get a little boring....i love to eat and sleep, but even these things can become redundant as all get out...For Christmas, I got a pair of pajamas. A PAIR OF PAJAMAS. I feel hella spoiled for saying it like that, but dangit i gotta more crap than that last year! Proof that Christmas really is for the children.And I know, there are lots of kids out there who werent even fortunate enough to get some wack pajamas like i did, so let me shutup. Plus, ive probably forgotten the real reason for the season, later on that....My new year's resolutions were pretty simple this year.Save money, and take care of myself. But then again, saving money is pretty difficult (for me, anyway)and taking care of myself covers a wider spectrum than i thought right off...I feel old. Old as hell. And Im still only 18.And since Im getting old, i have to start figuring things out on my own, like how to GROW UP! My whole teen life could be summed up in Three words:Crazy, Sexy, Cool.
Crazy: Ive done some truly nutty stuff in this life already.Ive stalked people,drove drunk (on more than one occasion) Ive run over somebody(sorry will! I still love you!), put naked pictures of my ex-boyfriend on the internet for revenge,ran over my leg with my car (it was an accident, not attempted suicide!)
Sexy: It seems like ever since I hit puberty, I am a sex symbol more than I am a young lady, and now, young woman...I love my body, dont get me wrong! (38,27,46...im not a brick house, Im a building!!!lol) but Its a gift and a curse. What do you get when you have a female who thinks like a child and has a body like a woman? Trouble. Think on that one.
Cool: For a while, I struggled to fit in (yeah, I aint ashamed to say it!) and it seemed like the minute I stopped trying, people started flocking to me. And thats fine. But inherently, everybody has a need to be accepted. And perhaps my need was once a little greater than others.
So becasue of this combination, my life is a cocktail of CRAZY! And i think that I want to change that a little. But How would I do that without losing MY edge?p.s., I changed my name from Ashley Nicole to Ashleigh Nikol. That name is so common, I wanted it to at least look a little different!A little Fly! Well, here's to new beginnings...

thanks for nothing, something, and everything

Ah, thanksgiving. A time when everybody gets together and fills their little bellies with all the gross and fattening things they desire....I cant say mine was any different.The only difference was the location...I got a lot of love from everybody though, something i didnt really expect. My whole family...But I did discover the thing that I am most thankful for...my best friend, Kayla. And the fact that I think Im actually on the verge of saying "I'm grown!" and meaning it.From thanksgiving all the way to yesterday, the 1st of december, we both have had to wrestle with questions about friendship....ours, and relationships with others. It took some pretty crazy circumstances for us to figure out what the great kimora lee simmons said was true: you're lucky if you only have one good one.I hate to be soppy about it, because when other people give me that bull im totally rolling my eyes (in secret) so let me just share with you what happened.
This weekend: kaylas dude Durrell came to visit. So did my ex, Desmen. I didnt really want to see him at all, but I figured now would be the best time for closure, since Id hoped to never see him again in life. The both of them embarrassed the HELL out of us. They were big and stupid looking, and scared most of the little white girls on our floor (with good reason probably) Even the way they spoke made me lower my eyes in shame! Luckily, we didnt have to take them too many places. But the true problem came at nite. there was no way for four people to sleep in this little dorm room altogether. And both I and Kayla were really close with the girls living on both sides of us, and they were close as well (and had rooms to themselves!) everybody usually made accomodations when somebody had a guest. they would move to the next room with somebody else. Well, this time Me and Dez had to go becasue kayla staked claims to our room. I was fine with that becasue There are two beds in every room on our floor. Dez could sleep in one, I in the other! (i didnt want that creatan any more!) SO liz agreed to let us use her room. We were having our usual late-night hangout in lizs room, with everybody eating pizza, and it began to get late.She wanted to put on a movie. I wanted to go to sleep.And nobody was really in Hannah's (our "friend" on the other side of us) room. So they could move the party in there, right? Wrong. I was getting frustrated while trying to tell them in the nicest way possible to get out, while they, all ten to twelve of our "friends", were taking the passive aggressive approach and just stood there. Especially my "best friend" Marissa. I have known marissa since High school. We hung in the same circle. We were tight! or I thought, But surprisingly, she was the "voice of the people", getting smart with us and telling me that they had no reason to move becasue they were eating. PIZZA, a handheld food. Not a 5 course meal. They could move themselves, the tv, the whatever to Hannahs' becasue it wadnt A BIG FLIPPING DEAL! Finally I opened the door and told them all to get out. so Liz starts crying and holding her hands up and talking about how angry she was and all this, soliliquoy type deal, while Marissa is comforting her and rubbing her back like we just cussed her out or something. Finally they both left, without looking at me or Kayla. I was stupified. Never in all my 18 years had I been witness to such foolishness, and I'd been in the theater for 8 years! Which led me to question Kayla, how would they really react if we ACTED A FOOL? we're like their own little ghetto girls, their pets!, just becasue we're black. I've never lived out of the suburbs in my freaking life. they get afraid or uncomfortable when we get annoyed! They'd never seen my angry! And they wont, becuase then if they had there'd be tears everywhere. And Im never going to show that, and give them a reason to call me an "angry black woman". Back to me and Kayla. She was trying to comfort me, becasue I HATE confrontation, but that doesnt mean I wont go off. So we're in the hallway talking, when we stop and hear Liz talking to her mother in Hannah's room.She tells her that I just threw them out (which I did) but I cant do that becasue its HER room and they shouldnt have had to leave right then. Also that she was so mad, she was going to knock my head into something, and that she was calling on jesus so that I wouldnt have to call on jesus myself when she got through with me.
WHAT?
1st of all, I dont play about jesus. EVER. and that was a freaking joke, considering this was coming from the same person who said she was going to address jesus as "look, b****" when we were all sitting on the bus stop.
2nd of all, I dont play when it comes to my elders. I have always been respectful to mothers, aunts, uncles, whatever. So for anybody to paint me in a light that makes me look worse than they are sets me off! I never claimed to be perfect, but darnit we're not going to play the tattling game. We are grown now. If you have a problem, COME TO ME. not your mother, cuz i that case I can bring my mother and then itll just be some mothers in it too. but that's just foolishness, and as I write this, I am letting it all go.
3rd you going to do what to me? that's another thing i have a problem with somebody not saying to my face, because we dont have anything but space and opportunity. Im all for peace, but let me just say this: Put your hands on me. Once. That's all I need. And I'll leave it at that.
so I guess we werent talking anymore and thats fine with me. Chalk it up to people being ready to go home, tired of school, and whatever. But as long as Kayla and my mother behind me, that's all I need. But what hurts the most is that i thought we could all talk to each other since we were supposed to be friends, and Friends do for one another. Liz let me borrow things that I needed,and took care of her when she was drunk, and in turn, I did her hair, gave her a microwavee to use when her roommate desrted her without telling her, took care of her when she was sick,and I and Kayla both held her on nights when she was bawling alone on the carpet in the darn hallway becasue she just didnt understand why she couldnt get the guys that she wanted and other craziness.(did I mention Liz is black?)
And marissa: I just dont have any words for her.
Oh my friends, but the weekend wasnt over!!!!! The next morning kayla took the boys to the little breakfast buffet.I didnt want to go becasue i didnt want to be seen with them. (people talk, especially haters!) So I stayed alone in the room and dressed, when I came across Durrell's phone. My spirit battled with me for a few minutes becasue I didnt know if it would be right for me to go through it. But guys cant be trusted, and so I opened his phone. Sure enough, there were girls galore in there! There were pictures, texts, missed calls, everything. I had to tell kayla, plus I emailed some of the pictures to my email address to show her later. Everything was all well and good until we were in the car, taking these fools home. I accidentally left my email address in there and he saw it and accused me of being in his phone. At first I lied, but then I gleefully said I was in his phone. why lie now? Then he got loud. Rude. Scary.I was loving it, but poor kayla was distraught. He had lied to her, and to those gurls in his phone about her. Finally when he ran out of excuses, he accused me of being gay and that I had a crush on her and this was why I was making everything up. I am not gay, an issue I am sure of becasue I ventured into that realm once before and didnt like being there. I LOVE guys. plus, if I was, kayla definitely isnt my type. (I tell her this regularly.)I waved my final goodbye to Des and sat in the car while the other two argued, and wondered how I could let such an idiot into my life. He wasnt in school, he didnt have a job, car, and no aspirations for the future. Durrell wasnt any better. Kayla was thankful for me because I did this (i just had a feeling!), and I was definitely thankful for her when everybody in our dorm showed their true colors. a goofy episode, I know.And the other friend I am thankful for is my Walt. He has no aspirations right now to be in a relationship because he jsut got out of a 5 yr one. Keep in mind, we're only 18. Thats a long time. Im just fine with that, because I need to figure out where the hell I am, what the hell I need to be doing,when to do it, and who I am. But the things he had done for me already as a friend are more astronomical than anything any of my past boyfriends ahve done for me. And if we dont end up together, I'm still appreciative that I had him to lean on for at least this long. And I'm glad I can look to somebody for an example when girls say, "boys are dogs!" Not all of them, ladies. So for the 2 friends I have here, the lessons (more than academic ones) im learning, and the love I have at home is what keeps me thankful. And the fact that I am thankful, well, that just makes me even more fly than I already am.....

ps..I'm gonna include pics of everybody so u can get a visual...

pps....I lost my phone AND my sidekick!

I'm taking back the things i got from you.....and that includes my sweet little nookie too....

DO NOT HAVE SEX!!! YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE! YOU WILL GET SICK AND DIE!!!!IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU WILL PERISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-just kidding. It's been a long time, I know. But I have a problem with consistency. Like really. but perhaps thats with relationships too. in college, there are three types of people regarding realtionships:

1)the carebear!- this person/these people are a part of the grand scramble to get in a relationship, have children, get married, then get a degree (and yes in this order). You can see that whole yearning gleam (almost like a vampire) in their eyes....

2)The bachelor/bachelorette- these people are loving being single! See them at every party, function, and (best of all, I suppose) class....they are not attached so they WILL get things done!! (getting things done meaning they're DOING any and everybody....)

3)The hermie-short for hermit, and/or hermaphrodite..(lol) these people dont want to get into a realtionship becasue "they've been hurt too many times...." when really they're just questioning their sexuality....

but I digress....I got an A on my FAM253 paper, a sure sign that god really doesnt want me to commit suicide.this past weekend was nuts! We went to a black and white party...and I had planned on wearing red.(she's the lady in red, when everybody else is wearing taaann!!! The flashy girl from flushing! The nanny named Fran! lol) but after a while i gave up on the idea and wore black. People here really have no fashion sense, they should pick up a freaking ELLE sometime...walt (my new dude) acted a fool!!! (him and his best friend Kevin) becasue he was drunk. Ive never had to take care of a drunk person before....I've always been the one to be taken care of....anyway, he stumbled throughout the ballroom, threw up!!!(gross) and was laying on the concrete in front of my car while eveyone was watching us like we were foreign creatures on discovery channel....

Discovery Channel Host: watch now as little Ashley struggles to get Walt in the little green honda. Ashley is pushing 160 lbs, not a particulalry heavy weight for her 5'8 height, and Walt is over 200 and is the same height! how in God's name will she pick him up, laughing, off the concrete? If you look to your right, you'll see his best friend Kevin shadowboxing against the car! Ashley's best friend marissa is offering her no help, as she is sitting her little tuckus in the backseat already! How will the end come about? Will the greeks who are staring from far off finally come and help little Ashley? Or will the cops come and take all four of them away for being intoxicated and underaged?

It went a little something like that. The next morning I went over to his apartment and cleaned up his THROWUP from off him and out of his room...man, I am definitely putting in work for this boy....that nite I played dress-up with my dorm neighbor Liz and we were bollywood sexpots...but back to the original topic...SEX. I will not be having any more of it for a while. My ex-boyfriend Desmen has ruined me for that. Great sex will make you crazy, man. I was heartbroken when I had to break up with him...but he didnt have anything going for himself BUT to lay the pipe....so I had to go.or rather, HE had to go. Which brings me to my question: Can people from two different backgrounds come together for good? Or only for a fling (hot sex on a platter?) Thanksgiving is in two days....I have LOTS to be thankful for, but why do I still feel so, Have-not?

Treacherous Thursday thru unsettling Sunday

it took some time for me to get on here....I'm really lazy. So what!!!!!!Thursday, I decided to exercise my rights as a licensed driver and get on the road with my kayla....on the quest of costume shopping. Both of us actually got the costumes we wanted (me, a sexy vampire bride, and Kayla, a sexy welfare-ho version of Alice in Wonderland; we'll call her Alicia!!lol)for Halloween Express (a great place!!! Not cheap tho...) but before that, we went to the mall, Spencer's to be exact. I promptly bought then lost a set of vampire fangs. Great. Along all this, camaraderie between the two of us, if you will, I missed Political Science. Oh no. (a disaster of epic proportions, especially since I've missed like 3 classes....)I got my costume, but I wanted to make it complete with some scary contacts...I looked online, but the ones available were definitely expensive. Hey, I am a poor student here!!!!! Friday, I went to my only class (astronomy) and absolutely paid NO attention. Instead, I paid attention to my good friend Lay and his burgeourning flirting relationship with a female of the Cocaine persuasion (read:white). It was rather disheartening...and I'm ashamed. I'm getting over my problems with racism, but damnit if it isnt a long journey...later that day I took my friend Kevin to the bank to cash his check....Me and Kevin used to date, but he, like so many others, broke my heart...(he said we were getting too serious...)anyway, we've become pretty good friends now, but the attraction is still there. He ended up not even getting his check, and we bickered back and forth about the distances between two different krogers from campus...Like, who gives a floop? lol. Later that night, me and my friends went to Open Mic Night. Joy. I dressed in my new "ghetto contempo casual" look, while everybody else went in my usual uniform: "Heels and sexy".Which later to my chagrin, everyone was dressed like that, and no one really appreciated my flyy, that came straight out a 80's scene, doorknockers and all... There were too many acts to name, but I'll talk about the ones that were most interesting. The first one I'll name (taking a leaf from the great Angela Nisell, author of The Broke Diaries) "someone pplease ddate mmee ppllease". He has a crush on my kayla, and its quite comical. He got up and did a series of runs, talkin about a darkskinned girl (why do all lightskinned people call brown-skinned people dark? Are you colorblind becasue YOU lack melanin?) who had big breasts? Wonder who that is? (In case you are, I'll include a pic of Kayla) The next act, and also the main one, is a lady I'll call "Neo-Nappy." She sat a table behind us and made loud comments and praises about the acts all night before she got up. She sang, which actually wasnt bad. She sounded like Leela James, and I like Leela James. But the thing that disturbed me the most was how she looked!!! She had the whole afro, long tunic non-matching outfit no bra and Jesus sandals type shebang. And even that wouldnt have bothered me if I hadn't listened to her message. She was preaching about how she was so free and she didnt care what people thought of her, she had her degree! and she's so full of love and all this jumbo...and it hit me. We black women are striving to find oursleves in college, to love ourselves and get more intelligent all the while. Was this unwashed, dirty back-packer looking woman the end result of our efforts? I was scared. I dont wanna look like that!!! I like my makeup, my louie v bags and heels, and most of all, my hairweave!! (let alone my soap, darnitt!!)but before I get too worked up, I'll move on. The next act was a trio ( and they were in the same fraternity...big surprise)who had this,rap, then slow down and sing while all the while reciting poetry thing, about suprise! Sex. My kayla liked the snger, but I cant say I was too impressed with the whole act.(and it's not becasue of the middle reciter, who bore a striking resemblance to Jimeny Crickett! He was wack too, but I thought it remarkable how he folded his bony legs on that stool and sat. He looked ready to be attacked by a frog at any moment....lol) The next act was this white rapper...his act was also pretty good.You know, one day I'm going to pursue a white man for a relationship. Hopefully it'll be better than the crap that my so-called brothers are serving up on a platter....The last act broke my heart just a little. It was by the man that I've had a crush on since I got to campus. He's fly, suave, hella intelligent, and so beautiful...(a nubian king, man...)He got up there and announced his ENGAGEMENT so some yellow heifer(sorry yellow heifer, but I dont know your name...)and sang one of MY FAVORITE SONGS to her...and announced the death of his pimp....and proceeded to lay down on the stage and let the pimp rest in peace. Joy. The rest of the night faded away...as I wallowed in my loneliness....everybody is getting paired up around me...and for real now, not just "going out", a choice term used in Middle and High school. Saturday morning I got up early and went to a study session for a test. The lady teaching it pissed me off....the hag. She said "you all, This is not a session where you get the answers...you need to interact." Why else would I be there? I got my crap and left before I stomped her in her old dusty heart with my shoe. I hopped in Laronda (my honda) and sped off. I went home....a place to relax. I didnt go anywhere saturday, the day of our homecoming game, and the day of our stepshow. Tell me, why would I want to go to that mess? To see the Greeks do everything they do at regualr college parties (read: Show their behinds at the expense of everyone else's enjoyment) and I definitley wasn't peeling off a dub for that, thank you. Least of all, I didnt want to see or cheer for the weakling that took my virginity when he in great infinitecy (hey, I made up a word!!)doesnt deserve applause, let alone the gift I should have kept for my husband. Oh well. Saturday I shopped in my mother's car while mine was getting fixed. I found some rad shoes for my costume at a vintage shop (is Michael Antonio or Anthony a famous designer?) and FINALLY found some contacts. They're not red like I wanted, but they're blue, a color you definitely wont see on your run of the mill black girl...Sunday night when I got back to the dorm me, my kayla, and my neighbor liz ran up and down the hallways in our costumes. Like little kids. Yay.This week is Halloween...let's see what is brings....(hey if you say that right, it rhymes!!!)lol.