Celibacy: My Choice to Make a Choice

When I look in the mirror, I mostly see exactly what others tell me they see: sex. Largeish eyes, big lips, and cartoonish curves. And it isnt namely men who see this. Since I was a younger girl (since Im still a youngin) even my family thought I was sexually active. My clothes were always a little too tight,(whether fashionable or not-and most often not), and I was always 10 pounds too voluptous for the average teenager. What is so funny to me is that I am the complete opposite of my long,brooding face and dangerous ass. Im not a prude, but I most certainly am not chopping it up with every guy I date. And as of late, Ive made the decision not to chop it up at all. Ive decided to to practice celibacy until further notice. There are a plethora of reasons why I've decided not to hit the sheets anymore, but I'll just list a couple of the biggies so as not to put your all's asses to sleep.

Religion- I am always a work in progress. They say the road to hell is paved w/good intentions, but I hope to be operating in the right directing if instead of intending, I take action. Even though I definitely think about it, sometimes I feel guilty for just the thought. Perhaps since im on this new mission to become more god-like (by resisting temptation) I can get a little closer to god. and that makes me happy.
::Gets into the spirit now::

Health: Aids/HIV is the number one Killer of African-American women. Had I still been with Hip-Hop (who luckily didnt expose me to HIV, but with the number of women he was screwing while he was cheating, he was damn close to obliterating both of us)I might have been sitting somewhere looking crazy, losing T-cells with each cough. Im too young to be dealing with so much foolishness. Also, with each woman a man sleeps with, he is thought to become more virile and stronger sexually. With each man a woman sleeps with, those are miles on your kitty cat that you cant get back! After you've been ran through so many times, kegels can only do so much. And since I'm but a mere babe in the grand scheme of life, im trying my best to keep my Henrietta FRESH! can YOU dig it?
Relationships:I refuse now and forevermore to rush sex in a relationship. Before Ive done it in my relationships because
*I was bored
*I was horny
*I wanted to keep hope alive
Though that second one was something every human being feels, every relationship that I had sex in,ended. (and sometimes ended terribly!) After sex I immediately start catching feelings for the guy, even if he doesnt. From now on, I want those kinds of feelings to already exist between us before I even think of making that move.Besides, like I've said in past entries, I've come to learn that though most women dont want it to be this way, relationships are comprised mostly of games and challenges, and 9 times out of ten once you "give it up", the guy gets bored. He's won! and he will eventually move on. Im not looking to have that happen in my next go round. Why?
BECAUSE I WILL CUT A MAN.


sO i'D rather be left a thousand times for not ponying up than to screw and get screwed over. Why share a jail cell with Lorena Bobbit when you can just move on with not as much invested?
Now that I've declared to commencing this journey, I dont know when it will end. Certainly not tomorrow, beacuase
a)Im not in a commited, monogamous relationship
b) I feel as though I give my power up to the guy when I give it up. right now there is nothing better than switching my big "dangerous" ass around this campus and life, feeling that there is this electricity coming up off me that not just any man can touch.I HAVE THE POWER LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, AND I AM GREEDY WITH IT! lol
Ive already told a couple of my girlfriends and some guy friends as well. But if nobody asks, im zipping it. A couple of my girls scoffed, while my other girls were supportive. It doesnt really matter, because I'm not on a quest to prove someone right or wrong. This is about me. All the guys i told didnt believe me, which is fine as well. It shows that they dont really know me or how serious i am when I get on my soapbox. They, in turn, wont have a chance in hell of having me. All I know is, the next time I let a man ring my bells, it'll be because I'm deeply feeling him and what he is about and am willing to share myself. and it will be purely my choice.If not, go cool your hot balls off somewhere else. :) I know what I deserve.

youre a bad bitch, huh?

I understand now why every adult doesnt smile that much. When I was a kid, though my smile wouldnt exactly light up a Just For Me perm box, I couldnt understand why most adults never seemed that happy. But today, I dont undesrtand why adults smile at all....

I was beating down the lotion bottle this morning to get the last out of the bottom (we ARE in a recession) when i flipped through the channels onto CNN. The lotion was soon forgotten, as was the rest of the chores I had for the day ass I watched CNN for most of it. Of course we all know what the most prevalent issues have been in the past few weeks: Bernie Madoff, one of the greatest hustlers of our time and the bailout of the AIG company, a GROUP of the greatest hustlers of our time. The more I listened, the more I got pissed off! But hold the phone, because Bernie the Beast doesnt deserve all my broke wrath. A good majority of the people who invested in his ventures deserve an equal portion of my wrath as well, since their main reasons for joining up with him were quick returns on cash buildup. TRhey were some greedy asses! While I do feel sorry for the 90 yr olds who now have to return to work as security guards, I cannot help but feel heaps of apathy for the younger people who's greedy asses are now as broke as I am. They are only now just beginning to feel the woes that my parents, and now me, feel every fucking day! Welcome to the real world! Had these people still had the millions that Bernie the Beast Swindled, I dont quite think their asses would be trying to feed the hungry or help the homeless. As I watched the past smug girns and leers be replaced by Woe-is-me no more yachts and valets tears, I felt, well,vindicated. They'll have to wash their asses with a rag like everyone else now, not a BIDET.
Moving right along, I think that the AIG is a complete joke in ethics and accolades, yet SUCH smooth criminals for demanding that a large portion of their bailout go to $50 and $60 million dollar bonuses for the jackasses who've been raping America's economy in the ass for years!How odd that in spite of that, if we got rid of them Americas recession would take a turn for the worst and crash and burn...
Jesus, it wont be long,huh?
While I'm on this rant concerning money, I want y'all to know that
BANKS ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have really been conscious this year in my money saving and spending efforts (one of my New Year's Resolutions was to have saved half a stack by the years end)and the bank is not having it!!! They wait until I dont have any money in my account to process payments, they charge mad fees on top of fees until Im in debt and calling my mama, crying. In the words of Kanye:
"WHY WONT YOU JUST LET ME BE GREAT!!!!!"
im going to sleep.

All Hallowed Foolishness

IF LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES....
then is death like peas? lol just wondering.

meanwhile, I havent been posting much because I've been feeling a lil drained, and often without hope, when it suddenly occured to me that writing about it might make me feel better...I keep losing and getting back this stupid NIGHT DESK job!!!! you would think that a job that required almost no type of brain at all would be easy to attain and maintain! well hell, I'm thinking stripping might even be an easier task...I'm starting to almost believe that saying "College isnt for everybody." this has not been an easy three past semesters for me. AT ALL. but we're also in a recession, so what to do, what to do....but stay in school and try and get it together. Meanwhile, on the happy end of the spectrum, Im looking forward to snagging my first place!!! YAY!!!! I'm pretty sure that after this, nobody will be able to tell me NOTHING! But it's still in the works right now, so just keep your fingers crossed and pray for meh!!!ps, I felt super-better and motivated after I read an old post from Glimmering Hope (http://channand.blogspot.com y'all should check it out it's hot) that pretty much was a reassurance that the bull-ish happening to me now was really happeneing FOR me...food for thought. Anyway, in a past post I told you guys what I did for my halloween...
I attended a funeral.
It was my oldest maternal aunt Bonnie's funeral.It marked the 4th death in my life this year, and not exactly something I was looking forward to. (this is probably one of the contributing factors to my madness this year) I have a huge immediate family, so my outside family is such a numerous bunch, half of them I dont even know. (hope to god I havent dated any...) and while all the ones I know are boughie, live in extremely nice homes and have nice cars and a lil change in the bank, my outside family all reside in the HOOD. I already knew when my mom told me it was being held in a funeral home and not a church that i was in a for a sight.
1st of all: So many negroes showed up it looked like a freaking players ball, all the woman loud, and all the men scary. All throughout the aisles, things could be heard such as:
* "Girllllllll, where did you get that weave at? That new store on 45th and market?"
* "She KNOW she is wrong for wearing pink up in here..she probly spent her light bill money to buy that tacky ass outfit....chile tell the truth and shame the devil!"
* "Well I heard they couldnt afford no church, but that dont leave you and me."
* "Do they got food afterwards? Cuz i know this gon b long."
* "here put yo coat on this chair so dont nobody take my seat. its gettin packed and you know i betta not have to take off my earrings. Shit."

So amidst the babies cryin, relatives getting reacquainted, and seat shuffling, the service finally began. It started off cool, my youngest aunt sang a song....and then a singing ensemble got on the platform, and it went downhill from there. It was four people, one thick dread-locked man who sung soprano, my gay cousin gary (Iman is his stage name), one woman with a GINORMOUS ass and hips with the visible wedgie from hell, and a pregnant white girl with 5 inch nails and long red hair that touched her pancake behind. They sang a very,very strange rendition of "this battle is not yours (its the lord's.) from there my cousin troy got up and said some remarks that he wrote down (but he's a little slow) and ended up stuttering his way through the last sentence. Troy is 6'7 and 350, and when he got finished he ran back to his seat nervously and his big ass almost crashed to the floor. By this time my eyes had misted over from tears of laughter, and an allergic reaction to cousin Laquan's designer imposter perfume.( I do believe it was called Royalty, a knockoff of Vera Wang's Princess) Then my twin cousin's Clyde and (I forgot the other one's name) got up with a third man. This was not in the obituary, and we all looked around @ each other. They then began singing "IT's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" in soprano.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE?
Halfway through the 1st verse, the thridman starts beat-boxing loudly into the microphone. Mind you, it was very difficult to control my laughter by this time that and because of my cousin Brannon, who kept looking back at me and whispering, "Are these niggas for real?" They were. Meanwhile his daughter and his twin sister Shannon's toddler daughters were having a farting contest in the silence of us waiting for the pastor to begin. The pastor was, in a word, terrible. He didnt know my Aunt Bonnie at all, but on the other hand did the best improv sermon I've ever heard in my 19 years...then here come my older aunts, who start bawling and loudly wailing. The same aunt who last year told aunt bonnie, "You moving around too damn much. Sit yo ass down so you can be here next year." (CLEARLY, aunt bonnie did not listen.)While all that foolishness was going on I actually did take a minute to think about her, and realized that my family as a whole didnt know much about her. She was once a young, beautiful young black woman with strong native-american facial features and a dainty, ethnically ambiguous build (im guessing u can tell by now WE didnt look alike)(my maternal grandmother was blackfoot indian, and thats pretty much all i know about her heritage too)who wanted to find her paternal family in New York(the only other person who knew who her father was, was my grandmother. one of many secrets she took to her grave.) While she was up there, she got hooked on heroin, and by the time she made it back down here, with children in tow, she and her health were never the same...Leading up to the woman Ive always known with a raspy voice, cigarette somewhere in her hand, weird curly white hair, and sick slanted eyes who gave me 5 dollars per holiday.....Do any of you guys have family like that? People you know, but realize you know nothing about?
Anyway, being immediate family I had to sit tight and wait for the rest to file out before I could leave. Just so you all know, Aunt Bonnie was Cremated, but that surely didnt stop people from grabbing the urn and taking pictures with it.What in the hallowed hell? My people, my people, my people.
Updates I'll b posting on:
* My budding friendship w/knowledge. havent mentionbed much about him but I'll write soon. It is truely nice to have a friend thats a guy, if beginning there or ending there...
* Morehouse class of 2000 vs 2012 lol
* What my turkeyday consisted of!(dont get your hopes up-its only more morbid humor)

**forever Flyy**

Where Were You When Our President Was Elected?

(btw, a couple of y'all (Eb and Saitek) read a news paper article i had written for the newspaper that i saved on my blog. Sorry guys, it wasnt a post, I just didnt have a disk! ghetto, i know!lol but i feel the love neway! Thanks yuurr kindly, u are my motivations!)


let me start this off by saying that I am sleepy as hell!!!!! so sleepy, i mean soo, sleepy..sitting here working night desk. I am a SLAVE to this job...ive been having problems w/it, hate it and am about to quit, then i get a new bill for the month or am swayed by the trendy new hotness on my favorite internet boutiques....i hate it.lol newho, i know its been a long time, sorry guys! im just a lazy heffer. but since I asked YOU guys the question (in my headline), its only right that I tell you where i was....on campus!lol here I am after I just got finished voting....

And here I am when Obama was elected!!!!!

LOL. I know about the roughness, my weave was "begone" my friend rissa's pits were the ish, but MAN, were we happy. As soon as obama hit 277, i flew out of my chair and screamed and almost cried and me and my roommate ran throughout the halls (where in some places some white girls were crying, and not out of joy.)it seemed like all the black students piled out @ once to celebrate, and we had an impromptu party!Ill try to get the video up from my sidekick later this week of every black person at school here (thats sad if u can see them all in one video) drinking kool-aid somebody brought out, dancing to speakers somebody brought out, and chanting "Obama, Obama" like it was a rap song...whoops, it is, isnt it?LOL. I took a thousand newspapers from school with O's face on them and plan to frame one....something i really cant wait to tell my kids about. For this post, I'm torn between wanting to wax sentimental about this election and what its meant to me and to talk about what else has been going on lately in regards to my last post, because sadly, though the election was the greatest, it hasnt BEGAN to solve all my problems...guess ill connect w/ last post and talk about "how I feel" and "who I am" in another one...i talk about myself too much anyway...(like this blog isnt all about me..::Side eye::)
:::::I put my fertilizer down!!!!::::(flips in the air)
after finding out even MORE crap about Hip-Hop (i was contacted by some girl who was LIVING w/ him while this travesty between us was supposed to take place, even though it has BEEN over) and decided to just close out everything between us for good even though it was over (this included alot of name calling and death threats on my part)because we all know how black relationships are- they can drag on for YEARS. And i just dont want it. Uh-uh, not me!In fact, Ive been spending alot of time by myself and feel pretty good about it.(and have strangely stocked up on queen latifah's, monie love's, and sista souljah's albums lol) I know all my goals and have a complete game plan down for my life now. In other words....
:::a sista gots it goin on::
after I get my shit right, of course.lol. I finally have dragged myself down to my friend The Queen's modeling show practice like I told y'all. Dont y'all know this heffer told me I gotta pay $100 to be in the show? (Nigga say what?) lol, just kidding.And ah, thanks giving break is just next week...I love life.lol
*though that still doesnt change the fact that i feel something lacking here
*next post ill b backtracking and talkin abt my halloween!lol
*Random question, but does anybody else not feel ALL THAT HAPPY when they accomplish something? I think somethin might be wrong with me. I feel almost the same way about losing a brand new expensive whte sweater to a mudstorm as I do when i finally get something done...weird.
*I will b checkin on all u guy's blogs and commenting. I havent forgotten abt you I prommise!
*Morehouse Man comes home next week! yay!lol

Waiting For the Fruit to Fall....

This is how tired and old I feel.Its how i look like right now, actually...ok just kidding. But I am indeed exhausted.ok, lol i look a lil more like this

Midterms are finished, but Im still pretty beat up from having to work. Yes, the night-desk clerk job I have that was supposed to be part time has turned into an all-night thing, every night. But I have bills, man. So let me not even go into that whole spiel....Lately, people have been asking me, "What made you grow up?" "when did you become sista souljah?" and really, I dont know.Does anyone ever know?(btw, why do you have to be "acting grown" to not be showing your ass?) But then again, when asked, if ever, why am I REALLY in college, my soul says it doesnt know either. So I pretty much put me on hold and do it for other people.
Do any of you guys ever feel like you do some things for other people? Its not that I dont want to be in school, because I sincerely love college.I love to learn.But my main reasons for being here are my family. My mother didnt get to graduate, and she pretty much lives through me. It breaks my heart sometimes when I come home and Im regaling her with tales of this knucklehead or that wack professor, and her eyes light up because she never got to experience that and she so longs for it. In my Mother's day post, I mentioned how i would do anything for her, and how I really feel Im her made over sometimes, just a continuation. Hell, she tells me how i took her body all the time lol. But if I have to break my back and get a new one from weariness and stayin in school, I'd do it just for her....
Also, Im doing it for my two younger sisters. So they know its okay to be smart and nuts and quirky because there's a place for everyone.So they know just what a classy (except for my trashmouth,lol)young woman can do. And so that they cant ever say they cant do it...I dont ever wanna be like Kim K, who said on the tyra show, she tries to empower women and set good examples for HER two little sisters.
***blank stare***


So since I'm nurturing this tree Im just waitin for the fruit to fall...for my money to come, for my next opportunity to bless someone because im being blessed,for a new lesson...tick-tock,fruit.
HOWEVER.
there's still some fertilizer I need to put down. I've made some mistakes I need to rectify. And this weekend Im goin home to fix a biggie. Of course by now if u've peeked around here any, you'd kno abt my ups and downs, ons and off w/ HIM. as in "Hip-Hop".(who btw told me he didnt mind my feminist beliefs because it was mostly bullshit opinios anyway, and if it doesnt make money it doesnt make sense. Nevermind without it, his mother and girl cousins wouldnt even b able to vote...jesus, are u giving me a sign or taking the red flag and smacking me in the face with it?) And after this weekend, I'll pretty much know whether or not I've really matured into a grown woman. (sigh) wish me luck, even if you dont know what the hell im talkin about.I will write and tell 'yall...This next week is going to be crazy. Ive told my friend The Queen (i think she thinks that's her real name, too.lol)that I would be in her fashion show....but I cant believe that I did that!Now I can do some car show type deal (cuz thats what im built for) bouncin around in hardly no clothes (but those days are over since I'm queen latifah now lol)I dont know how to use my height and my legs!what if the clothes she's desginig dont fit me right? WTF?!!! and after that, I've agreed to be sold off in a date auction to raise money for breast cancer awareness...sold off...i dont know why I do these boneheaded things. I guess for you all's entertainment.I can just picture some strange, monkey like non-greek pickin me up and carryin me accross the threshold whilst slappin my ass and burpin...ugh.Speakin of men, I was chatting w/ one of my longtime love interests last night, and wondered if he had gotten his mind together, as in, not tryna get any, anymore. He hasnt. Still love him though.... But I do have a question for all my grown-up lady readers and male ones too: Does the quest for booty ever stop? Do they ever stop hankering, hinting, and panting after it? How many times can I say NO?And if you really want to turn me on, talk to me about the election! Tell me you want to take me to church with you one day! treat me to freaking dinner! I refuse to believe that Chivalry is dead! you utter the word feminist and people hear the word "DYKE"! There's got to be a gentleman somewhere...can I find the last of the dying breed?
Can I?
Smile. I might have...Enter KNOWLEDGE, stage right....