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Monday

All Hallowed Foolishness


IF LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES....
then is death like peas? lol just wondering.

meanwhile, I havent been posting much because I've been feeling a lil drained, and often without hope, when it suddenly occured to me that writing about it might make me feel better...I keep losing and getting back this stupid NIGHT DESK job!!!! you would think that a job that required almost no type of brain at all would be easy to attain and maintain! well hell, I'm thinking stripping might even be an easier task...I'm starting to almost believe that saying "College isnt for everybody." this has not been an easy three past semesters for me. AT ALL. but we're also in a recession, so what to do, what to do....but stay in school and try and get it together. Meanwhile, on the happy end of the spectrum, Im looking forward to snagging my first place!!! YAY!!!! I'm pretty sure that after this, nobody will be able to tell me NOTHING! But it's still in the works right now, so just keep your fingers crossed and pray for meh!!!ps, I felt super-better and motivated after I read an old post from Glimmering Hope (http://channand.blogspot.com y'all should check it out it's hot) that pretty much was a reassurance that the bull-ish happening to me now was really happeneing FOR me...food for thought. Anyway, in a past post I told you guys what I did for my halloween...
I attended a funeral.
It was my oldest maternal aunt Bonnie's funeral.It marked the 4th death in my life this year, and not exactly something I was looking forward to. (this is probably one of the contributing factors to my madness this year) I have a huge immediate family, so my outside family is such a numerous bunch, half of them I dont even know. (hope to god I havent dated any...) and while all the ones I know are boughie, live in extremely nice homes and have nice cars and a lil change in the bank, my outside family all reside in the HOOD. I already knew when my mom told me it was being held in a funeral home and not a church that i was in a for a sight.
1st of all: So many negroes showed up it looked like a freaking players ball, all the woman loud, and all the men scary. All throughout the aisles, things could be heard such as:
* "Girllllllll, where did you get that weave at? That new store on 45th and market?"
* "She KNOW she is wrong for wearing pink up in here..she probly spent her light bill money to buy that tacky ass outfit....chile tell the truth and shame the devil!"
* "Well I heard they couldnt afford no church, but that dont leave you and me."
* "Do they got food afterwards? Cuz i know this gon b long."
* "here put yo coat on this chair so dont nobody take my seat. its gettin packed and you know i betta not have to take off my earrings. Shit."

So amidst the babies cryin, relatives getting reacquainted, and seat shuffling, the service finally began. It started off cool, my youngest aunt sang a song....and then a singing ensemble got on the platform, and it went downhill from there. It was four people, one thick dread-locked man who sung soprano, my gay cousin gary (Iman is his stage name), one woman with a GINORMOUS ass and hips with the visible wedgie from hell, and a pregnant white girl with 5 inch nails and long red hair that touched her pancake behind. They sang a very,very strange rendition of "this battle is not yours (its the lord's.) from there my cousin troy got up and said some remarks that he wrote down (but he's a little slow) and ended up stuttering his way through the last sentence. Troy is 6'7 and 350, and when he got finished he ran back to his seat nervously and his big ass almost crashed to the floor. By this time my eyes had misted over from tears of laughter, and an allergic reaction to cousin Laquan's designer imposter perfume.( I do believe it was called Royalty, a knockoff of Vera Wang's Princess) Then my twin cousin's Clyde and (I forgot the other one's name) got up with a third man. This was not in the obituary, and we all looked around @ each other. They then began singing "IT's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" in soprano.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE?
Halfway through the 1st verse, the thridman starts beat-boxing loudly into the microphone. Mind you, it was very difficult to control my laughter by this time that and because of my cousin Brannon, who kept looking back at me and whispering, "Are these niggas for real?" They were. Meanwhile his daughter and his twin sister Shannon's toddler daughters were having a farting contest in the silence of us waiting for the pastor to begin. The pastor was, in a word, terrible. He didnt know my Aunt Bonnie at all, but on the other hand did the best improv sermon I've ever heard in my 19 years...then here come my older aunts, who start bawling and loudly wailing. The same aunt who last year told aunt bonnie, "You moving around too damn much. Sit yo ass down so you can be here next year." (CLEARLY, aunt bonnie did not listen.)While all that foolishness was going on I actually did take a minute to think about her, and realized that my family as a whole didnt know much about her. She was once a young, beautiful young black woman with strong native-american facial features and a dainty, ethnically ambiguous build (im guessing u can tell by now WE didnt look alike)(my maternal grandmother was blackfoot indian, and thats pretty much all i know about her heritage too)who wanted to find her paternal family in New York(the only other person who knew who her father was, was my grandmother. one of many secrets she took to her grave.) While she was up there, she got hooked on heroin, and by the time she made it back down here, with children in tow, she and her health were never the same...Leading up to the woman Ive always known with a raspy voice, cigarette somewhere in her hand, weird curly white hair, and sick slanted eyes who gave me 5 dollars per holiday.....Do any of you guys have family like that? People you know, but realize you know nothing about?
Anyway, being immediate family I had to sit tight and wait for the rest to file out before I could leave. Just so you all know, Aunt Bonnie was Cremated, but that surely didnt stop people from grabbing the urn and taking pictures with it.What in the hallowed hell? My people, my people, my people.
Updates I'll b posting on:
* My budding friendship w/knowledge. havent mentionbed much about him but I'll write soon. It is truely nice to have a friend thats a guy, if beginning there or ending there...
* Morehouse class of 2000 vs 2012 lol
* What my turkeyday consisted of!(dont get your hopes up-its only more morbid humor)

**forever Flyy**

36 comments:

Reggie said...

Hi fly diva....GIRL!

Thanks 4 stopping by and I hope you'll be back soon!!!

You don't have a "follow" icon for your blog???

I would love to follow!!!!:)

D.Jay said...

You never cease to amaze me with your posts. I know how writing serves as therapy for you so this is a good sign!

I remember how drained you were after the whole thing I had no idea it played out the way that it did. I know everyone find them selves... vexed (that's a damn good word) at the actions of their own family and people but that ole line "forgive them for they know not what they do" holds true in so many situations. Look at the actions that we'll say left you... "disgusted" or "apalled" as an example of how not to act or carry yourself. I know you have no issue w/ that seeing as how you carry yourself in such a classy well-reserved manner but just remember that day as a day of mourning, a somber celebration of a home-going, and a learning experience.

Chris G. said...

Im sorry 2 hear about your aunt Ashley really i am. But boi would i have loved 2 be a fly on the wall at her funeral. WOW. da beat boxin jus takes it 2 a different level. But all in all shes in a better place...Very Very funny but honest post. Loved every word.

Chris G. said...

Im sorry 2 hear about ur aunt Ashley 4ril...But with that being said, boy how i would have loved 2 be a fly on the wall during that funeral. I mean they was beat boxing?? Thats jus insane...But neways she is in a better place now...Very good post, i loved every word of it.

rawdawgbuffalo said...

correction, a pregnat white girl with 5 inc nails that dresses like a hoochie lol

Darius T. Williams said...

I love a good funeral...like a really really good funeral - lol.

THE 0NE THEY AiNT USED T0. said...

oh my godd.
1. Im sorry about your loss. I pray she'll RIP....

2. why the hell are almost all Black funerals like that tthough?
Gossippin churchfolk & all.
its shameful. lmao.

3. Beatboxin`? oh hottdamn.

Melody.Darlene said...

i wanna hear more about this budding friendship with knowledge! heheh! some of my best friends are doodes!

Meanshots22 said...

thats one scary ass dog

Tony Stark said...

wooooooow!!!....you hit it on the head ma. It's always hard to take a loss in the family (even if theyre distant), but at least the comedy you saw in the situation made it better.....hopefully. I hope '09 has started off in the right direction for you though. Come visit & drop a few lines at my blog.

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