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Monday

All Hallowed Foolishness


IF LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES....
then is death like peas? lol just wondering.

meanwhile, I havent been posting much because I've been feeling a lil drained, and often without hope, when it suddenly occured to me that writing about it might make me feel better...I keep losing and getting back this stupid NIGHT DESK job!!!! you would think that a job that required almost no type of brain at all would be easy to attain and maintain! well hell, I'm thinking stripping might even be an easier task...I'm starting to almost believe that saying "College isnt for everybody." this has not been an easy three past semesters for me. AT ALL. but we're also in a recession, so what to do, what to do....but stay in school and try and get it together. Meanwhile, on the happy end of the spectrum, Im looking forward to snagging my first place!!! YAY!!!! I'm pretty sure that after this, nobody will be able to tell me NOTHING! But it's still in the works right now, so just keep your fingers crossed and pray for meh!!!ps, I felt super-better and motivated after I read an old post from Glimmering Hope (http://channand.blogspot.com y'all should check it out it's hot) that pretty much was a reassurance that the bull-ish happening to me now was really happeneing FOR me...food for thought. Anyway, in a past post I told you guys what I did for my halloween...
I attended a funeral.
It was my oldest maternal aunt Bonnie's funeral.It marked the 4th death in my life this year, and not exactly something I was looking forward to. (this is probably one of the contributing factors to my madness this year) I have a huge immediate family, so my outside family is such a numerous bunch, half of them I dont even know. (hope to god I havent dated any...) and while all the ones I know are boughie, live in extremely nice homes and have nice cars and a lil change in the bank, my outside family all reside in the HOOD. I already knew when my mom told me it was being held in a funeral home and not a church that i was in a for a sight.
1st of all: So many negroes showed up it looked like a freaking players ball, all the woman loud, and all the men scary. All throughout the aisles, things could be heard such as:
* "Girllllllll, where did you get that weave at? That new store on 45th and market?"
* "She KNOW she is wrong for wearing pink up in here..she probly spent her light bill money to buy that tacky ass outfit....chile tell the truth and shame the devil!"
* "Well I heard they couldnt afford no church, but that dont leave you and me."
* "Do they got food afterwards? Cuz i know this gon b long."
* "here put yo coat on this chair so dont nobody take my seat. its gettin packed and you know i betta not have to take off my earrings. Shit."

So amidst the babies cryin, relatives getting reacquainted, and seat shuffling, the service finally began. It started off cool, my youngest aunt sang a song....and then a singing ensemble got on the platform, and it went downhill from there. It was four people, one thick dread-locked man who sung soprano, my gay cousin gary (Iman is his stage name), one woman with a GINORMOUS ass and hips with the visible wedgie from hell, and a pregnant white girl with 5 inch nails and long red hair that touched her pancake behind. They sang a very,very strange rendition of "this battle is not yours (its the lord's.) from there my cousin troy got up and said some remarks that he wrote down (but he's a little slow) and ended up stuttering his way through the last sentence. Troy is 6'7 and 350, and when he got finished he ran back to his seat nervously and his big ass almost crashed to the floor. By this time my eyes had misted over from tears of laughter, and an allergic reaction to cousin Laquan's designer imposter perfume.( I do believe it was called Royalty, a knockoff of Vera Wang's Princess) Then my twin cousin's Clyde and (I forgot the other one's name) got up with a third man. This was not in the obituary, and we all looked around @ each other. They then began singing "IT's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" in soprano.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE?
Halfway through the 1st verse, the thridman starts beat-boxing loudly into the microphone. Mind you, it was very difficult to control my laughter by this time that and because of my cousin Brannon, who kept looking back at me and whispering, "Are these niggas for real?" They were. Meanwhile his daughter and his twin sister Shannon's toddler daughters were having a farting contest in the silence of us waiting for the pastor to begin. The pastor was, in a word, terrible. He didnt know my Aunt Bonnie at all, but on the other hand did the best improv sermon I've ever heard in my 19 years...then here come my older aunts, who start bawling and loudly wailing. The same aunt who last year told aunt bonnie, "You moving around too damn much. Sit yo ass down so you can be here next year." (CLEARLY, aunt bonnie did not listen.)While all that foolishness was going on I actually did take a minute to think about her, and realized that my family as a whole didnt know much about her. She was once a young, beautiful young black woman with strong native-american facial features and a dainty, ethnically ambiguous build (im guessing u can tell by now WE didnt look alike)(my maternal grandmother was blackfoot indian, and thats pretty much all i know about her heritage too)who wanted to find her paternal family in New York(the only other person who knew who her father was, was my grandmother. one of many secrets she took to her grave.) While she was up there, she got hooked on heroin, and by the time she made it back down here, with children in tow, she and her health were never the same...Leading up to the woman Ive always known with a raspy voice, cigarette somewhere in her hand, weird curly white hair, and sick slanted eyes who gave me 5 dollars per holiday.....Do any of you guys have family like that? People you know, but realize you know nothing about?
Anyway, being immediate family I had to sit tight and wait for the rest to file out before I could leave. Just so you all know, Aunt Bonnie was Cremated, but that surely didnt stop people from grabbing the urn and taking pictures with it.What in the hallowed hell? My people, my people, my people.
Updates I'll b posting on:
* My budding friendship w/knowledge. havent mentionbed much about him but I'll write soon. It is truely nice to have a friend thats a guy, if beginning there or ending there...
* Morehouse class of 2000 vs 2012 lol
* What my turkeyday consisted of!(dont get your hopes up-its only more morbid humor)

**forever Flyy**

Tuesday

Where Were You When Our President Was Elected?

(btw, a couple of y'all (Eb and Saitek) read a news paper article i had written for the newspaper that i saved on my blog. Sorry guys, it wasnt a post, I just didnt have a disk! ghetto, i know!lol but i feel the love neway! Thanks yuurr kindly, u are my motivations!)


let me start this off by saying that I am sleepy as hell!!!!! so sleepy, i mean soo, sleepy..sitting here working night desk. I am a SLAVE to this job...ive been having problems w/it, hate it and am about to quit, then i get a new bill for the month or am swayed by the trendy new hotness on my favorite internet boutiques....i hate it.lol newho, i know its been a long time, sorry guys! im just a lazy heffer. but since I asked YOU guys the question (in my headline), its only right that I tell you where i was....on campus!lol here I am after I just got finished voting....

And here I am when Obama was elected!!!!!

LOL. I know about the roughness, my weave was "begone" my friend rissa's pits were the ish, but MAN, were we happy. As soon as obama hit 277, i flew out of my chair and screamed and almost cried and me and my roommate ran throughout the halls (where in some places some white girls were crying, and not out of joy.)it seemed like all the black students piled out @ once to celebrate, and we had an impromptu party!Ill try to get the video up from my sidekick later this week of every black person at school here (thats sad if u can see them all in one video) drinking kool-aid somebody brought out, dancing to speakers somebody brought out, and chanting "Obama, Obama" like it was a rap song...whoops, it is, isnt it?LOL. I took a thousand newspapers from school with O's face on them and plan to frame one....something i really cant wait to tell my kids about. For this post, I'm torn between wanting to wax sentimental about this election and what its meant to me and to talk about what else has been going on lately in regards to my last post, because sadly, though the election was the greatest, it hasnt BEGAN to solve all my problems...guess ill connect w/ last post and talk about "how I feel" and "who I am" in another one...i talk about myself too much anyway...(like this blog isnt all about me..::Side eye::)
:::::I put my fertilizer down!!!!::::(flips in the air)
after finding out even MORE crap about Hip-Hop (i was contacted by some girl who was LIVING w/ him while this travesty between us was supposed to take place, even though it has BEEN over) and decided to just close out everything between us for good even though it was over (this included alot of name calling and death threats on my part)because we all know how black relationships are- they can drag on for YEARS. And i just dont want it. Uh-uh, not me!In fact, Ive been spending alot of time by myself and feel pretty good about it.(and have strangely stocked up on queen latifah's, monie love's, and sista souljah's albums lol) I know all my goals and have a complete game plan down for my life now. In other words....
:::a sista gots it goin on::
after I get my shit right, of course.lol. I finally have dragged myself down to my friend The Queen's modeling show practice like I told y'all. Dont y'all know this heffer told me I gotta pay $100 to be in the show? (Nigga say what?) lol, just kidding.And ah, thanks giving break is just next week...I love life.lol
*though that still doesnt change the fact that i feel something lacking here
*next post ill b backtracking and talkin abt my halloween!lol
*Random question, but does anybody else not feel ALL THAT HAPPY when they accomplish something? I think somethin might be wrong with me. I feel almost the same way about losing a brand new expensive whte sweater to a mudstorm as I do when i finally get something done...weird.
*I will b checkin on all u guy's blogs and commenting. I havent forgotten abt you I prommise!
*Morehouse Man comes home next week! yay!lol

Friday

Waiting For the Fruit to Fall....


This is how tired and old I feel.Its how i look like right now, actually...ok just kidding. But I am indeed exhausted.ok, lol i look a lil more like this

Midterms are finished, but Im still pretty beat up from having to work. Yes, the night-desk clerk job I have that was supposed to be part time has turned into an all-night thing, every night. But I have bills, man. So let me not even go into that whole spiel....Lately, people have been asking me, "What made you grow up?" "when did you become sista souljah?" and really, I dont know.Does anyone ever know?(btw, why do you have to be "acting grown" to not be showing your ass?) But then again, when asked, if ever, why am I REALLY in college, my soul says it doesnt know either. So I pretty much put me on hold and do it for other people.
Do any of you guys ever feel like you do some things for other people? Its not that I dont want to be in school, because I sincerely love college.I love to learn.But my main reasons for being here are my family. My mother didnt get to graduate, and she pretty much lives through me. It breaks my heart sometimes when I come home and Im regaling her with tales of this knucklehead or that wack professor, and her eyes light up because she never got to experience that and she so longs for it. In my Mother's day post, I mentioned how i would do anything for her, and how I really feel Im her made over sometimes, just a continuation. Hell, she tells me how i took her body all the time lol. But if I have to break my back and get a new one from weariness and stayin in school, I'd do it just for her....
Also, Im doing it for my two younger sisters. So they know its okay to be smart and nuts and quirky because there's a place for everyone.So they know just what a classy (except for my trashmouth,lol)young woman can do. And so that they cant ever say they cant do it...I dont ever wanna be like Kim K, who said on the tyra show, she tries to empower women and set good examples for HER two little sisters.
***blank stare***


So since I'm nurturing this tree Im just waitin for the fruit to fall...for my money to come, for my next opportunity to bless someone because im being blessed,for a new lesson...tick-tock,fruit.
HOWEVER.
there's still some fertilizer I need to put down. I've made some mistakes I need to rectify. And this weekend Im goin home to fix a biggie. Of course by now if u've peeked around here any, you'd kno abt my ups and downs, ons and off w/ HIM. as in "Hip-Hop".(who btw told me he didnt mind my feminist beliefs because it was mostly bullshit opinios anyway, and if it doesnt make money it doesnt make sense. Nevermind without it, his mother and girl cousins wouldnt even b able to vote...jesus, are u giving me a sign or taking the red flag and smacking me in the face with it?) And after this weekend, I'll pretty much know whether or not I've really matured into a grown woman. (sigh) wish me luck, even if you dont know what the hell im talkin about.I will write and tell 'yall...This next week is going to be crazy. Ive told my friend The Queen (i think she thinks that's her real name, too.lol)that I would be in her fashion show....but I cant believe that I did that!Now I can do some car show type deal (cuz thats what im built for) bouncin around in hardly no clothes (but those days are over since I'm queen latifah now lol)I dont know how to use my height and my legs!what if the clothes she's desginig dont fit me right? WTF?!!! and after that, I've agreed to be sold off in a date auction to raise money for breast cancer awareness...sold off...i dont know why I do these boneheaded things. I guess for you all's entertainment.I can just picture some strange, monkey like non-greek pickin me up and carryin me accross the threshold whilst slappin my ass and burpin...ugh.Speakin of men, I was chatting w/ one of my longtime love interests last night, and wondered if he had gotten his mind together, as in, not tryna get any, anymore. He hasnt. Still love him though.... But I do have a question for all my grown-up lady readers and male ones too: Does the quest for booty ever stop? Do they ever stop hankering, hinting, and panting after it? How many times can I say NO?And if you really want to turn me on, talk to me about the election! Tell me you want to take me to church with you one day! treat me to freaking dinner! I refuse to believe that Chivalry is dead! you utter the word feminist and people hear the word "DYKE"! There's got to be a gentleman somewhere...can I find the last of the dying breed?
Can I?
Smile. I might have...Enter KNOWLEDGE, stage right....

Stop The Madness... Class Act prt 1


Stop the madness. Like, really.
Why are we females always fighting EACH OTHER?
I have come a long way from where I used to be, and being a little more enlightened than I was before, I'm looking around and shaking my head. Im on my journey to become a "class act".There was a time when I didnt have the highest self-esteem, and was threatened by girls who had qualities that I admired or wished I had. So in the company of my friends, I would pick out the chicks I had problems with and systematically Tear Them Apart! From their hairstyle to their shoes, the way they were built...any imperfections I had seen I would exploit to the fullest extent.And would use my gift with words to make a person feel lower than an ant... Then a little later, after I had my own Come-up and didnt feel so bad, I picked on people who didnt have it like I had it, who couldnt "freak" an outfit like I freaked it, and maybe werent as cute as me. Lookin back no matter where I was on the popularity food chain, I was a pretty nasty person. But, things change, time heals all wounds and I look around and see my sisters (all of you!) doing the same things I did and worse. And if you aren't, I applaud you. Now, there is a difference between hating on girls for no reason and disliking them for a genuine one...and let me tell you
A MAN BETTER NOT BE ONE OF THEM!
every day I find myself trying to be a better person, a classy lady. We hear that word alot but alot of women take the word and twist the meaning. And, if you have to call yourself classy before anybody else does, you still have some work to do, lady. For the ladies that maybe have some issues deep down inside and jealousy is your problem, you dont have to admit it to that person. But you can from here on out stop treating them like your enemy and maybe find out what it is that you can do to better yourself. Sistas, another thing that is CLASSLESS is the way we treat ourselves when it comes to men...PLEASE let that "wifed-up" thing go! because unless you have a ring on your finger, you are really no better than the "side-chick" or "jumpoff" because the nigga is still DISRESPECTING you. Also, if you got your man by taking him from anotha sista, you better beware. How you got him is how you will lose him, and Karma is a bad,bad, bitch.Another thing. CLOSE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LEGS!IF you MUST get some, go buy a toy. We all understand that caking and cuddling with a dude can lead to some stuff, and we all fall down. But if you keep on TRIPPING and Falling, you better take them Fuck Me Pumps off and go sat your hot ass down somewhere.And if you bragging because he's trickin on you, what does that make you? A TRICK! stop braggin on it... Once a dude gets it, i mean...he done got it and its up to him now to decide when to get rid of ur ass, cuz we all know the double standards.I hate to bore you, but the story Lysistrata by Aristophanes is about all the women in thier kingdom cracking down on their dudes and getting whatever they wanted done by doin one thing: Cutting off the coochie!(its really effective, I PROMISE!lol) To my ladies that are established, have their own things, look good, doing it big: I APPLAUD YOU! I LOVE YOU, GIRL! but dont look down on the next chick. If I see anybody else on their pages talkin about how they "SHIT" on "these hoes", I'm gonna go crazy. Do you think there is something cute about people visualizing boo-boo runnin all outta your ass because you look good? eh-eh. Besides, shit stinks, and so will your attitude if you keep talkin like that.Now if I sound like I'm preachin, y'all aint gotta go get out your afro picks for a natural and run around bra-less watchin Waiting to Exhale...
but can we attempt to make a change at least? Even if a chick did something to piss you off and now u dont like her ass, forgive her. Maybe she was having a bad day.Help a ho get off the floor if she fell instead of laughin! (I say ho in the most loving way) when you walk down the street, smile at the next girl u see instead of mean muggin, even IF THATS WHAT SHE DOES.Stop fighting like bitches in the street (that shit aint cute!)Rome wasnt built in a day...and next time you go to the club and you look all the way right, say you REPRESENT for the girls that cant do it like you yet instead of SHITTING (eee) on the ones who dont look so good. To all the girls who say they dont fuck with other girls, they only have guy friends...shut your trap. you only have guy friends execpt for all the BESTIES that you effin posin in pics with, and besides a nigga can be "yo nigga" all he want and he STILL can talk about yo ass the same way he talk about people in front of you.So to all the girls that I've pissed off ever, my bad, sis. And to all my future and present friends, I'm blessed to have you.I know this line is a cliche', but the past is history, the future is a mystery, and today is a gift! Enjoy it! Why do you think they call it the "present"?
So let's Stop the Madness!

Wednesday

Champale, Chronic and Soren Kierkegard Nightcap...how much can YOU take before you need one?


It is smack dab in the middle of my first round of school tests. Im finished w/ half, and today I had my test w/Creole Magic. Some sort of test fairy came down and prevented me getting in trouble for cheating by letting him copy off me by giving us two different tests. In the midst of another melodrama featuring yours truly, I'm trying to cool off by listening to Coltrane and donny Hathaway and peeking in the mind of Kierkegard. Before I go into my details of the latest, goof-ball, hairy situation, I feel as though I need to explain myself. While I'm in school, the cradle of unrest, there are a plethora of things plaguing me, things that we know about -WaMu closing, then Wachovia closing, loans drying up, employment rates reaching 6.1 and rising (or lowering depending on how you look at it.), Palin being able to see Russia from her window... these things are highly depressing, and if you can go nowhere else to get ur mind off things and laugh, you can come right here.Also, some of these things on here, like I had to tell Will and now I feel I must tell you, are fiction. I leave it up to you deduce the real from the fake, like my hair....=)I also know that when I'm writing about somebody, unless they care if they're talked about publicly, to shield them. I have ethics, ya know...but perhaps not enough. Tonight, Hip-hop, through one of his loves from the past...discovered my blog. And threatened to slap me with a law suit.
Maybe it's the champale, but I laughed so hard I peed.
While I'd like to get all "Shaniqua" and put my "clown hat" on, something is stopping me. I just dont know what. Have any of you all ever been "discovered"? And/or threatened to have your outlet PUT OUT? Many of the things I post are minimal day-to-day eyerolls that can be blown up for entertainment, but I am a die-hard writer when serious and have been since i wrote limericks at ten about not wanting to do my chores. Also, I dont like talking about relationships ALL the time...its messy and mushy and not me. But alas, Ive been pushed. In my last post I mentioned being a go-hard-or-go-home hip-hop feminist. I am the ultimate LADIES FIRST go-to girl, but as all my friends know, when I'm in a relationship i go from roaring tigress to purring Kitty Kat. I stifled my roar in the last relationship I was in becuase, i kinda like the man being the MAN-as in dominant, he-man, alpha male.I'm pretty much all for the man being the head and blah blah blah, I love to support my man and make him feel like the greatest when I have one. I like cooking, cleaning,doing special stuff for my significant other as long as My needs were taken care of. Being 19, those needs are minimal-call me on the phone once a week at least, take me out on a date at least once a month, make me feel special, you know! and when i repeat that to other girls, they're all..."THATS IT"? yeah, thats it. But my needs were not met, to say the least. And i toiled in a relationship over a year waiting for the magic to start. But alas, it didnt. I can only put up w/ so much, but being stood up for dates, called out of my name, lied to, cheated on is a LITTLE much, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Madea says in her book on relationships how she's an old-school fool-she goes through check books, receipts phone bills. I didnt even go through his phone...but I DID meddle on the internet. All the time. It was all I had, and I found out alot.It was basically how I found out about some of the girls he had had flings w/..and discovered exes too. As a rule from now on I MUST know about exes and why yall broke up, because if you have gray hair in places other than ur head and ur not married, theres a problem. (lol, I kid, I kid!) but yeah.These days, I dont too much care about who's who in his life and who he's cavorting with now, and am pretty angry at myself for putting up w/ so much for so long.But girls do crazy things they usually wouldnt when a man tell you he loves you.And I dont care about him finding out about this blog, partly becasue i wanted his input on it long months ago(a little while before I wrote the first chronicles), since he fancies himself some sort of philosopher and writes blogs himself giving advice. GIVING ADVICE to people about their relationships. Ole- I just figured out why Im not at all hot about this situation. People only want to hurt others when they're still hurting, hoping, or holding on. hmmmmm.
So, men and women: Have you ever been pushed to the limits relationship-wise? And has anybody ever found out about the people YOU've tried to keep anonymous? (though as I read back over my past posts, I didnt try that well...lol)
ps....Depending on the day that the drama queen, albeit person I still Love very much decides to sue the pants off of me, I could be going commando, which means I might have to show my ass....
pss lol: I included two videos that made me crack up while trying to calm down!Souljah girl the star!



Thursday

Peek in the life of an Athelete's Wife....

"Stacks on Deck
Wrist full of ice...
Ima go & get this degree
Then shawty I'ma buy whatever I like....."
I've been walkin around singin my remixed ditty-bop in my head for some time now...and like I begin every entry...I know, I know i havent wrote BUT...lol. No explanations this time, dudes. Just know I actually have been following everybody's day-to-days on my sidekick. I have 5 tests coming up and am not as panicked as I think I should be about it....probably because I'm frustrated about other things like life period...but such is life. Willie (as mentioned is past blogs) has gone to Morehouse, Hip-Hop is DEAD, and I dont too much feel like entertaining any other people, so my love life is a running joke between me and my roommate as well. But the joke I wanted to share with you guys was my whirlwind 5 second affair w/ a UK jock, a basketball drafter that just came here...After facebook stalking will and seeing he was MORE than enjoying his time w/his newfound "Georgia Peaches", I was pissed, mostly out of jealousy. I cut political science and went to lunch with my old high school friend Louis, something i almost never do because one, I dont eat lunch and two, I'm a hermit and dont Gel well w/ the black folk here. As Louis went off to find some nasty piece of corn-fed unhealthy chicken to masticate (Chik-Filet of course!), I stood alone, fidgety and adjusting my clothes, and felt a pair of eyes on me. Have you ever felt that? When the naps on the back of your neck prickle, and its not because you need a perm? Well, when I located them, I was taken aback to find the specimen attached to them. The brother was fine. Caramel, 6ft plus and starin at me like I was dessert, which always wins you points...lol. Never a shy Southern Bell, I walked over and introduced myself.
After tellin me in a thick accent his name and also findin out we had a class togetha, he finally told me his claim to fame was because he was drafted to our basketball team, and he was originally from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. (Creole Magic! Yummy!lol)so we exchanged numbers and parted ways. I felt vindicated because of Will, and flabbergasted because an Athelete wanted to talk to me! Im no Kim kardashian (im built way thicker, thanks! lol) or Vanessa Bryant! I'm a big chocolate glamazon! WTF? So for the next week he walked me to class, out and around campus, and texted incessantly, and it was mighty cute. It felt even better to know that it wasnt the sun burnin my black ass, it was the envious stares from other girls! But the cuteness fizzled out when Creole Magic Finally revealed his intentions (duh, you knew this story was goin somewhere!) In the middle of class he handed me a note in small scrawley handwriting asking me 1)When we were gonna do it because i was fine as hell and he "couldnt wait to put it on my thick azz" and 2)did I have stretch marks? because they were sexy as hell and I looked like I had a lot. SIDEBAR: Was that shit supposed to be a compliment? What the hell is sexy about stretch marks? Well hell, if u like it I love it....I had to kindly but Firmly tell his ass that I'm nobody's piece, jump-off, or any ish like that and I was here to get an education, not to be any body's future baby mama or arm candy (though it was nice for a lil while...) Creole Magic seemed unfazed...that is, untill I noticed he wasnt following me to my next class like a puppy dog any longer..the icing on the cake was that weekend, the weekend of the greatest house party I've been to so far, the defining (finally) moment of college fun for me.(i WILL write about my bad party experiences later...) Right in front of me, he was dance-humping some skinny chick that looked like a burnt prayin mantis, the way she was bent, twisted, and angled around his 6'6 frame. I couldnt say much but could only sigh, especially when he made it a point to get the number of a girl who's dress was hiked up over her lumpy behind and stretched out across her cut, and sweat making her weave bangs come loose in the front. (I wish I had a picture.) I could only walk away sayin, "my brother, my brother......"

So Now I do understand what the allure of being an athelete's wife/girlfriend is. To know that everybody is grilling you, wishing they had a chance wit your man (though I KNOW he wasnt mine, you know what I mean. To walk around wearing his jersey proudly, cuz u know if both of y'all play your cards right, his jersey really will be important, and you'll be draped in something way better than his funky old shirt....Still, the allure of being draped in that same shyt because I bought it turns me on even more....one of the reasons why I'm still here.
And besides being a roaring hip-hop feminist and refusing to give it up to someone i dont know because my mama taught me better, I just like Smart dudes, nerds who are going somewhere, smart brothers, since I'm a smart sista. I never knew how much I appreciated all Hip-Hop's educational accolades, or Willie's intelligence or wit, until I had somebosy whisperin in my ear in class...."Aye sexxy gull (yes he says gull!), you know I'ma be copyin off you on dis test!"
Great. Now this Scooter's future is in my hands. If I let him copy, he'll scrape by and pass, possibly become very known and get drafted to the NBA, and set up yet another ignorant mexican video girl up for life in the future....and if I dont let him copy, And y'all kno his ass'll fail, I'll b contributing to yet another black man dropping/getting kicked out of school, not getting a job, and or contributing to crime or more having impoverished black children than Hurrican Katrina. Decisions, decisions.
And people wonder why it's been said that black women are the mules of the world. lol.

Saturday

back to school....blah....

Im workin at night desk, being haggled by freshman for my number....i have to put up with this untill 8 am...its 3....help! somehow still not finding motivation to write another blog....

Wednesday

Drained....

Guys, I'm packin up for school, so i dont have much time...so I'll just put up a couple crazy pics of me....enjoy!
my frist college party...thats me in the back

This one is the crew I hung with at prom....we were all oddballs. observe.lol

The first Drag Show I went to...I LOVE drag queens! Dont i look like a bad one?lol

Here's the very first older guy I ever dated!

Love you bitches!

Thursday

Un-Be-WEAVE-Able


Anybody, who knows me (or knows me well) knows that I wear a hairweave. (gasp, oh my god she's admitting it!)lol yes. I am a trackstar. But that's only a negative connotation if I choose it to be, and I choose it NOT to be. From middle school on, I've had a journey with my hair, and went anywhere from a shoulder length bob to a "dooty- ball" at the top of my head, to a flip that rested at my earlobes. Freshman year of highschool, however, I discovered the WEAVE! My beautician put a ponytail on me for my freshman year picture, and from then on, I loved it! I loved never having to do my hair anymore, just throw it on and go! but of course, you cant wear the same weave for months and months, and the "ponytail", as it quickly began to be known as, became raggedy, and almost led me to an altercation with somebody! But I surely wasnt going to let it go, and from then on my weave has evolved. Grown. Ive done all kinds of shit. Short hairstlyes, LONG, different colors, bangs. The list is endless. My baby sugar punkin knows I wear one as well, and he doesnt too much care. (like I'd give a fuck if he did anyway...it's MY hair, gotdamn you!lol) and I've pretty much gotten the weave thing down (if you dont think so, feel free to write me a message later) so I feel as though I should help those who have less experience or arent so inclined to dealing with it. Becasue the rugs I've been seeing on some females around here lately HAVE GOT TO GO!

1- If you're gonna wear a weave, Please buy some real fucking hair! The best you can, at least, becasue unless you're a baller bitch and you got it like that and change it up whenever, that weave is going to be sitting there for a minute. Bad weave looks plastic and stringy and dry! and when you move your head it will move with you! instead of swishing around on its own like it's supposed to....If I see you, I WILL talk about you.

2-If you're gonna wear a weave, take care of it! Yes, you have to treat that shit like its your own. Brush it. Wrap it up when you go to sleep. Moisturize it. love it! cuz if not its going to get dry and tangled, and I've seen waaayyyy too many bitches in the club with their weave in knotty tangled balls at the back of their necks and looking haphazard in the front. Again if I see you, I WILL talk about you.

3-Make sure your weave looks like your hair! as close as you can get as possible! The color (unless you going for a funky two-tone look) shouldnt be lighter or darker. and if you must, take somebody with you when you buy that damn hair! Also, the textures must match as well! If you got some nappy ass project hair and you bought some wacky-yaky, you better SHELLACK that stuff with product and a flat iron until it lays down like your weave. I'm so tired of seeing people walking around with "shredded wheat" at the top of their heads and Italian silky at the bottom that I could scream!Also, if you are wearing a curly weave:unless your hair is fine and agrees with the texture of your weave, dont keep it in too long. After a while, the textures WILL separate and people will indeed begin to realize you dont have as much indian in your family as you would like them to think.Again ladies, if i see you, I WILL talk about you.
(quick tip: if your real hair is flat but not as shiny as you like, run the barrel of a hot curling iron over it...it will glisten. Ashley J, you may not remember giving that advice years ago, but thanx anyway! =))

4- Cover your tracks!we've all had a little mishap where a track is somewhat visible through your hair, but that's not what I'm talkin about.Im talkin about not having enough hair at the top of your head to cover the tracks underneath it! (in that case, maybe you should invest in a quick weave...look it up)and, dont try and put yo hair in a damn ponytail unless your shit is LAID! people are not idiots...we can see the track prints, honey.and please believe if it's sitting out clear as day and I can spot it, I WILL talk about you.

5-unless you are talented or have been at the weave wearing for a while (that'd be me) Dont do it yourself! believe it or not, not everybody needs the full two bags of hair that is prescribed for a sew-in weave.The other night I saw an old friend of mine that looked like she had two pounds of weave on her head and it was weighing her poor little baby-head skinny dome down! Just wrong...Also, I go to school with a couple that need a little help. Their weaves look like HATS becasue they're so big on they damn head! You better tell shaniqua to stop gettin creative on your wig,honey! Its not a good look!you know why? cuz i WILL talk about you!

6-Dont wear a weave thats not YOU. Dont come to school or to yo job with no fingerwaves on one side, waterfall crimps coming down in a pontyail on top of that with bangs underneath with twisties, a french roll and two random tracks in the back! its just ridiculous! also, if you got a big ass forehead, cover that shit up! dont be assaulting us...and going back to ponytails, dont you DARE wear no long ass silky black pony tails and the back of yo neck looks like a dark version on the gravel on the side of the road. you know why? Becasue.
My whole crew will talk about you.Badly.

Bottom line, weaves are everywhere. And they're here to stay. While some girls may only wear it once in their lives for a prom or a wedding, still others may wear it like an accesory,or another part of their style.(like me!) Dont hate on the next person, and that goes for boys and girls. Boys, weave is not for "bald-headed people". Every wench that you like lookin at in magazines or on tv has had some sort of enhancement. "if you cant grow it, sew it!" and "if you cant achieve it, weave it!" are very oudated terms, becasue women of every race wear it. Even girls with long hair, becasue its often for thickness more than length. Girls, if you dont wear a weave, then feel free to laugh at this. And if you do, then please make sure you got all that ive written about on lock! Becasue ive been through all that shit. And, well, if you decide NOT to take my advice, then, like Bruce-Bruce says...
"That looks GOOD....on....YOU.!"
(but i WILL talk about you.)

Friday

For everything there is a season....

And this season I gotta go on hiatus for a small period of time. My little sister broke my laptop and as u read I'm posting on my sidekick...so write without me lovers! During this hiatus most of my time will b spent breaking my broke foot off in her ass untill I can come up with $130 to buy a new power adapter.....tear. SO not flyy....

Sunday

Secrets of a Southern Belle...Who's Independence day?

Definitely not mine. When this day came into fruition, me and my peeps were still in the field singin "oh lordy, pick a bail uh cotton...oh lorday pick a bail uh hay...." so it wasnt much to celebrate. But since it was "independence day" i broke my dependence to my hairweave and let my head rest for the weekend if that means anything. I did go to a wedding, though. LET ME TELL YOU WHY I WAS DEAD-WRONG FOR ATTENDING THE WEDDING.MY HOISH CHICKENS CAME HOME TO ROOST. The couple were two people that I used to work with at a restaurant. I wont say their names, cuz I can get killed for what I'm about to share with you guys.Three years ago, at the tender age of sixteen, I carried on in an episode w/ the groom, then 24. ( yeah he's a nasty child molester, but it took me a couple years to figure that out, and how naive I was)anyway, I was still close with his family, becasue we all worked together and I went to high school with some of his cousins.They were the ones who begged me to come. What the hell would I look like ( the other woman thats what) going to his wedding? If it looks like a ho, walks like a ho, and smiles like a ho, it aint chicken. Also in attendance was my ex Courtney, who the Groom claims as his cousin.(i didnt know that until later.) He just moved here from AL not too long ago, and in that time, managed to cheat on me with every janky white bitch you can make up! So I didnt want to go alone, and I also didnt want to go with anybody ugly, or who knew about the situation. I had to come up with somebody...so I came up with Dez, the cheating boyfriend I've mentioned in past posts. H'es 6'6, dominican, indian, and black, and not the brightest crayon in the box. (HE WAS PERFECT!) so we got there and of course, all eyes were on us....heeheehee. and that was including my decidely new NONfriend, Krystal. Krystal attends the same school as me, is as intelligent, and extremely beautiful. The only resaon I tolerate her is becasue she's Chocolate and beautiful, and represents for us!( 'ill explain that story later) In any case, her social climbing ass was there, and deicded to give me the cold shoulder. (we in the south/midwest, and u are rude as hell if u dont speak, even if u hate each other!) so it was no surprise that karma breezed past us in the reception hall and she got knocked on her ass. (video below.enjoy.heehee)
video
So finally everybody settled down and the wedding began. It was perfect, short and sweet, just like I like it, and soo touching, actually. No matter how much hatred I felt towards the groom for things that happened, and pity i felt for the scrawney, chicken legged redbone bride, they didnt care. It was all about them, the way it should be. And a glimmer of jealousy sparked in my chest and spread untill I was completely green under neath my electric blue dress. I'm very afriad that I wont find THE ONE....nevertheless I'll always have me...so after the wedding everyone was passing out drinks, and my ex Coutney the Cheater was manning the Table and wouldnt give me one. (punk bitch)somehow i managed to finagle one anyway.So as I swtiched my flyy ass out the door to drop dez off and quite early, there was no need to stay and schmooze, thats just wrong) I didnt feel half as akward and wrong as I thought...WHat would one say about that?

ghetto fabulism.....


so in an attempt to get my mind off my incredible brokeness and Hip-hop's current bitchass behavior, my friend Ryan took me to a fashion show. My first fashion show, in fact,and I was rather excited. Being in a time where plus sized models are cropping up everywhere and I myself am 5'8 and wear a 14, i decided maybe this might be a place to take stock and decide if I might like to do something of the sort (we all know every young girl has those dreams of glitz and glamour!)I also wanted to go becasue I wanted to support my friend bebe.She, by the way, killed it! (shamless promotion part here) Her name is Brittany Nicole Baker and she's a good 5'9 or 5'10 and a great model and she needs work! (ok promotions over lol....hey I can also try pr, cant i?)

In any case, the show was supposed to start at 7....but it was a BLACK fashion show. IT did not begin untill 8:15. Now im a rookie at attending these things, but I dont think that what went on at this fashion show goes on at all of them (or proffesional ones at that) here's a couple thing's I jotted down at the show on my SK:
*No this man did not just walk up on the "stage" (read: Platform)and grab the mike and start singin! WTF?
*Now this old reggae chan lookin ass nigga is up rappin....no he did not just bust out with Boo-Ya-kah!
*Not this VIP section off to the side in this lil ass room with all these old people (original models from 1800 in Africa lookin ass)
*Oh no! why is this dude gettin into it with one of the models and is walkn around talkin bout ima smack this bitch in her mouth. (in front of the elderly, I mean Really?)
*Why is this girl walkin around with this bebe/dickies lookin shortset w. a rhinestone belt and a matchin rhinestone g-string?
*why are all the models coming out and announcing themselves? Does this take place in a regualr show?
These were just some random thoughts that i had to jot down in order to keep my mouth from droppin.boy, and I thought I was broke down....This show was too through. lol. well at least I got out for the weekend.
Pics below: I didnt include myself in any of these, but here's the "stage" (read: platform), a pic of my friend Ryan, and a pic of the new redbone I think Hip-hop's cheating on me with this month...she cute aint she? At least my baby dont down grade....
eye-roll. I'm goin to sleep.


Saturday

LA, LA LA LA, wait till I get my money right....

Yesterday morning, over Hip-Hop's house (who by the way it only took tonight for our relationship to deteriorate again-he's too damn old for this now i mean damn...)I pulled up the blinds and looked out of the big bay window of his loft. I looked down at the little people walking the streets and looked across the way of our bridge, linking us to another state. I put my elbows down and stared out at this glittering, pretty, yet country, little metropolis and thought to myself:
Damn I am so broke.
I quit the telemarketing job yesterday. I was a horrible saleswoman (as i suspected ever since i got freaking hired there) and only averaged about 1 sale per hour. Apparently the people over me didnt think it so wise that i and other wack sales people be allowed to get paid for doing nothing (which is basically what we all are doing there anyway) and started cutting my hours. To two-hour-at-a-time shifts. do you know how much gas costs, man? I had to cut that bull ish short. So i went to get my check today, took off my badge when I got it, and rolled the hell out of there. I've just almost finished oaying this month's round of bills so if I stay in the house and go nowhere i just might be able to scrape by with these last two checks....(silently kicking myself for not working at the sex shop....)
however, that is not where my problems w/money end.
I am 4 stacks short of my tuition money. And that's to pay for LAST semester. Things are getting pretty crucial right now, seeing as I only have two months to get sometype of scholarship or Loan. It's hard as hell to get a loan in my household, becasue like a lot of black parents i know ( i wont say all) their credit is F***** and you know you have to have a great cosigner for those things...anyway, I'm starting to panic. I really dont know what to do. I keep trying to remember, there are loads of people who are in worse positions than you!!!! but that mantra isnt workin as well as it used to....
somebody pray for me.lol

Sunday

Get Out Of My Room....


okay so it took me a really long time to write back....sorry. My friend Hannah died. She lived next door to me in my dorm...It's always scary when somebody my age dies, since i'm such a baby myself...I was going through all these "death comes in threes" deals. Hannah was a very sickly girl. She often got me sick, isnce I have the immune system from hell.And i would cuss her out from that, too. Crazy how the one time She was sick when i wasnt around (she caught pnuemonia) killed her. Hannah was the stereotypical rich white country girl that we have in mind when talkin about "whitefolks". When I first met her, she didnt know who Rosa Parks was, Thought broke as a college student meant having $800 in your bank account a week, and had a big scary taste for UK football players. But hannah, however, never pretended to be somebody she wasn't, and in spite of her redneck ways, I fell in love with her. lol in any case, the things I had problems about with her i have problems with alot. Hannah was yet ANOTHER non-black woman who had a taste for black guys, and had no problem getting them!She never understood why it made me and my kayla so so mad when she would come into pur room and tell us about yet ANOTHER doctor or lawyer, welder, writer or whatever of black descent that she had picked up...It bothered me to no end! and that's a problem I have to deal with still.Also, like I said earlier, she always made me SICK! she would come into my room coughing and shit and say, "Ashley, I'm sick". And I'd say, "Hannah, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Get the fuck out of my room!"
So it was no surprise that my unresolved conflicts with her led me to believe she was haunting me.
the day I found out she was dead, I started having nightmares that she was standing by my bed, saying "Ashley, I'm sick." Only she wasnt regualr Hannah. She was dead hannah. crazy, I know. So i couldnt go to sleep for a while!!! And finally, the funeral arrived. Me and Marissa ventured to Middlesboro kentucky, a city in a crater. It seems like after that damn city was built post-slavery, time stood still. We were the only two black girls to even go to the funeral. Probably the only two she really knew. We had to go to the damn cemetary as well, and it was high on a hillside, lookin all pet-cemetery-ish. (the city limits even had wrought-iron gates, like something out of a horror movie! Salem's lot or some shit.) anyway, after the preacher said the prayer,everybody walked to the coffin and took a flower from the casket. I didnt, however. I wanted no part of her. I did, however, lean down to the lid of the casket and whisper, "Hannah, get the fuck out of my room." And walked off. And havent had a bad dream since....
I do, however, need to work through these racist issues linked to her.

Saturday

a love so sweet...and funny

my high schoolsweetie-who-will-truthfully-probably-end-up-being-my-husband Will made this about a yr or two ago...it was so hilarious...he told me it was for me when he sent it....look at me! so flyy....lmao just kidding. oh well, enjoy.


ps...he's the 1st one in the video. aint he a doll?

Me, Love, and Sex and The Country


So of course after I went to see sex and the city, I had to post. Actually I tried to post while in the movie, but there wasn't any service. Darnit. Well, I have to say, I wasn't dissapointed. The movie was great, and I just love happy endings. And of course the main philosophy or rhetoric in the movie, was love. More so how loving yourself always pans out the rest of life's chaos, though that definitely doesn't happen in real life.....in any case, I, michelle, marissa, and joia (the crew) went to see it. We love to compare ourselves to the characters in the show, but of course there really is no comparison to them. Just like there is no comparison to us....hey, we're real! And in the country.lol. The movie, however, raised the regular red flags. Does it really take as long as early 40's and 50 before you figure out who it is that you want to be with? If that's the case, for us as black women, we're as good as done. Spinsters. Old folks say, "just put it in the lords hands and he will send you the man he wants you to be with." But what If God has destined us to be alone? How does one, especially a woman, deal with that? All women, I believe, have an inherent need to be loved. And the old people that say that crap have usually been married off for 50 plus years, since they were my age or younger! And that sort of love almost never happens anymore. So even if I were to have been willing to throw in the towel at the end of my eight grade education, nobody would be willing to jump the damn broom with me! And loving yourself. When have you discovered that you do? When you're forcing yourself to spend time alone and geting to know yourself, what then? What do u do with that? And carrie had had Big in her life for ten years before he finally committed. OMG! Jay and beyowulf got married after six, shit! But I know every woman out there has a Big. A man that they are uncomparably and forever in love with, even if the relationship didn't last. Why can't we end up with him? When my mother was a little older than me she dated some man named john. (Of course, his name had to be john lol) he was intelligent, hardworking, and had a great future in front of him. And he was madly in love with my mother. But my mother did not feel the same about him. He proposed, and mom, not knowing what to do, ran to my grandmother for advice. My granny told her to marry him. "But mama", my mom said, " I don't love him".said granny, "you'll grow to love him." but she never did, and she couldnt bring herself to do it. She, like me, was full of fire and ideals about how the way things SHOULD be in the world. And as the fate and furies would have it, her Big happened to be a man who was became horribly and irrevocably hooked on crack cocaine. IT broke her heart....and she told me she still thinks about him to this day. And, at almost 40, she ended up marrying a nice god fearing man (my stepfather) whom she loves. But not that DANGEROUS love. And in turn, John became a very rich businessman with a big house and fancy cars and a wife who sat on her ass all day. Do you think my mother still wants to work? I think not, esepcially as she's nearing 50 now, and retirement is no where in sight for her. Often she regrets not marrying John. Grow to love...hhhmmmm. I dont think i can do that either. Say you DO end up with your Big, though. What if he ends up not loving you as intensely and foreverfully as you do him? Move on, right? Well, that crap is definitely easier said than done. And that thought scares me more than the thought of never finding him (IF i haven't found him already...)But I guess the one thing that holds true is that it's only a woman, or your particular group of women, that's your safety net....so I'm really glad I have my girls. But one day, after it's all said and done, and you're either married or alone, will they always be enough?Will you? For now, I'll say yeah.


"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.: - Carrie Bradshaw



ps...later i WILL post a blog about my favorite girl, kayla, waho was even Before my crew...I love that ho.

Friday

hip hop chronicles part 2

I am an evil person. sometimes. well, alot. becasue underneath all my comedy and all my, um, ashleighness, there is still an insecure little girl there....I reconciled with hip-hop. I felt as though I couldn't be without him, breathe without him, or anything, especially while he's still in the vicinity and it's almost as though I can feel his heart beating somewhere....oh dear, I'm starting to slip into spoken word crap, let me go on....ladies, have you ever been jealous another woman and that woman didnt even know you existed? Or maybe she had some inkling that there is a you but she doesnt know who you are? If you're confused, then let me clarify. Things have been going really well with me and hip-hop lately (i think ive fallen!) but there is one roadblock of a woman in the way of my dreams! let's call her Nicole.* Nicole and hip-hop were friends for five years before WE ever met. She is a singer and in the business they're in, in their careers theyve worked together alot. (she needs people like him if she wants to get her music out.) . in any case, he told me (recently) that they're just friends and that's all they would ever be. Before that when I asked he called her a gold-digger. BEFORE that he said that was the closest thing he had had to a girlfriend. I smell emotions from this nigga,man. And i dont like it.And something about her is nagging the SHIT out of me, and I was told never to ignore the little voice inside.(well, that and the damn myspace comments they occasionally post to each other....yeah, I meddle! so fuckin what!)So of course you can guess what she looks like: some half-breed exotic beauty with big doe eyes and pale skin and long curly hair, therefore making my nubian beauty darken in comparison....what's worse is, I actually think she's probably a sweet person. So sometimes i feel bad for hating her and wanting her to dissapear from his life. (am I wrong for that?) I keep wondering why I'm even bothered by the thought of her; she's all the way across the country! I'm the one that wakes up in his arms, I'm the one he talks to every day, and the one he constantly reassures and just tells me to have a little faith in him....so tell me, is my woman's intuition just out of wack? Is it ok for your man to have female friends, especially when in the career he's in you can't do shit about it anyway? I need some answers.
P.s, the job isnt fuckin great, but it isn't the worst either. That's for anther day.
pss, final question: Why do all black men think they have a prize when they have some non-black woman? Sorry to offend you brothers if this isnt you, but i gotta know somethn!

Thursday

not enough time.....

1 day, I WILL find the patience to blog....In the meantime, let me share with you my stlye influences...
Kim K (i promise ONLY a style influence....we're built alike....I'm just way taller. but I bite her style all the time)
Jessica Rabbit (c'mon everybody loves Jessica Rabbit!)
Enjoy the pics! (again!lmao)




Monday

DUDE..............

I so dont feel like posting.but hey, here's a funny pic for ya!

Friday

When It Rains, It Pours.....

It's been raining for almost a week. I am so not impressed. And neither were my parents, when I told them about my potential job offer (workin at the sex shop) man, it was a civil damn war at my house. My daddy is a deacon, and my mom...well, she walks on a wilder side, but still believes what she believes, put it that way. They were all "that is the gateway to hell. Next is sex and drugs!" and then they said I was gonna start strippin. A damn stripper, they said.
Daddy: you're a beautiful girl! and some man is gonna come in the shop one day and look at you and say, "hey, little girl, you wanna make some money? I know the perfect way...." I don't want you to lose your innocence babygirl! (What innocence?)Oh lord.
(And off he goes to pray, but not before having his first of a series of shots. Amen.)
Mama: I just don't believe you. What is wrong with you? What kinda toys and gagdets you gotta have so bad that you gotta strip?
Me: strip? I'm workin as a CASHIER!!!
Mama: that's just the 1st step!
It was then that I realized, I shoulda never turned 18 if they didn't want me to take jobs they wouldn't. I'M A GROWN ASS WOMAN, THANKS! (Actually, I'm not. I'm just old enough to say it,heehee.)but hey, if I want to be a stripper, that's pretty much my prerogative....
Me: look mama, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. I have to pay for college, ya know! I'm going to my room! Oh my god!
And off I went.meanwhile, it was still rainin outside...and in my life! But I didn't want to spite them, so I took the dumb job as the dumb phone operator. Truth be told: I'm a little nervous. I have finally accepted the fact that I am a boughie little black girl. I've lived in the burbs since I was ten, and before that a nice, quaint neighborhood with only old folks. I cant deal with the loud, finger snappin, ft long fingernails, multicolored weave havin around the way girls. I can't! Oh god I'm having an anxiety attack as we speak. Shaquanda and aquafina and them are cool with me as long as I'm not around them! Oh god, and then I'm really ashamed to say that; but I don't like white people that much either! I like people like me....but variety is the spice of life...I guess ill grow up one day. Ugh, training starts on monday.

Tuesday

Dream Catching, and a Dream defferred.....

MLK had a dream.... And so did I. So do I, I suppose. A dream of getting a to see one of my leaders, my role models, in person. Obama came to little old Louisville, Kentucky yesterday for the primaries and I was so excited!!! I was hoping of getting to shake his hand, ask a question, hell maybe even take a picture....not to mention meet Michelle Obama, aka the black Jackie O, aka the "hottest chick in the game" (courtesy of bossip,lol.) Somehow I finagled my crew into coming with me (I didn't have but a DROP of gas left in my tank, hear me? Somebody else had to drive...) and off we went! The sun was bright and the tide was high, and I was cheesing from ear to ear in the backseat of Marissa's car, weave blowin in the wind and all. There were all sorts of people milling about the streets, all for different purposes...and I suddenly saw why by the time we got to the "line". It wasn't no Damn line! It was a gargantuan irritated people chain that snaked down 2 street blocks and then turned a damn corner! By the time we walked the length of the line, homegirls had decided to call it a damn day. But while we were walking back UP the people chain, there were huge gaps in the line. So big that we decided we might be able to squeeze into a spot....untill this big ass old black woman with a large handful of snot-nosed Shaniquas and Raheems said" Nah, Nah, Nah yall not cuttin ladies!" pissin me off. So I didn't get to see obama. But what pissed me off even more was that old-school gutter snipe who got in my well-dressed and polite face! The ho... What a dream deferred. So today I'm job hunting. Chasing the dream, or the money. It's 4 freaking o clock! And I been poundin the pavement since 11 this morning... I got two for sures and a lot of other possibles. One as a telemarketing agent and the other as a cashier at a sex shop. I can just see me as the new girl six, purring into the phone to get some bonehead to get online rm radios, or as some fluffy-haired jawn with too much lipliner and fake eyelashes, talkin about how the 8 inch dongs are simply the bomb! Yall don't know how hard I'm rolling my eyes... Plus, I miss him....
video

Sunday

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!/ I have readers!!! yay!

Ok, so sorry it took me so long to write. Life is a many splendored thing, ya know. Many busy bull**** things to do as well....anywhoo, I'm actually excited to dedicate this to my favorite girl....my mom! Ole girl's been around wwaaaayyy longer than I have, about time I did something for her, right?She's the original flyy gurl.. Sometimes though, I actually confuse my mom's life with mine...almost like I'm just a younger version of her, ready to start over again. We both act the same, I'm built like her, I love to write like her, and the reason (at times) I'm still in school and not bent over with my ass out on the pages of King and Smooth is because she didn't graduate college. (But I might be getting there soon...sista's gotta pay for college, ok?) We've been riding partners for a while now...all the way from the roach infested townhouse when it was just me and her and a tiny box tv, to the suburbs, a new dad, brother,sister, and cars and education for all of us..lol. What do I admire the most about her? Her realism. She knew she had to make money to feed us, so instead of chasing her dreams in cali as the journalist she wanted to be, she busted her guts for 19 years at a boring desk job in front of a computer screen...she tells me each and every time (when I ask) whether I've made a mistake with my new flavor of the week (and the woman is ALWAYS right! Grrr!) and sacrificed so that I could go to a performing arts middle school and then youth performing arts school, so I could have a car sitting outside at 15 and couldn't even drive it, so I could get that ridiculously extravagant white prom dress with see through bodice and dripping rhinestones!! (I'm starting to feel guilty as I write this) And all she wants is a condo in florida. Lmao. which seems to be something all old people clamor after....There's a vast variety of mothers in America, from the corporate working mother with latchkey kids to that project mama we all know who sits at home and watches her soaps and stays on the phone, to that beautiful trophywife did-she-really-pop-out-a-baby-or-is-it-her-sister's like Rebbie and Janet jackson....I would have to say my mom is a lil of all of these. All my aunts AND my friends say our relationship is too much like that of friends and not enough mother and daughter, but hell, without her they wouldn't know half the sex ed info they do....another hearty laugh... So here's to you "Shoo"! Know that I love you and would trade my next breath just so u could breathe on....HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Ps...omigod I have readers! This is like a dream come true....I'm doing my pageant wave in front of my computer screen...my goofball life is not in vain...

Friday

Why Hip-Hop is dead



Brown sugar is one of my favorite movies. No, I mean like really. lol The way Hip-Hop is used as a Euphimism for love just blows me away, and I don't know why! My momma told me I would end up with an older man a few years ago, and I held onto that. Though I'm 18, I know for certain I'm just a tad bit different from other chicks my age. (EVERYBODY says that, so I try not to that often.) I realize that yes, I am still a kid in a lotta ways, but honey is growing up fast in college, hear me? I got Bills out the ass, I'm not carefree any more, and I'm about my future! The bible does say "When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child...but when I became a man I put childish things away." And I'm a man now, baby. (lol a WOman)

And then I met a man. And he was older than me...and he was intelligent, had already graduated form college AND graduate school...and he was the 6'5 to my 6'0 in heels, and he was suave and handsome, and the list goes on... I was in deep, y'all.But on top of it all, he was an original B-Boy!Big in Louisville right now, and no, he isnt a rapper. Look up the definition if you are a little confused. I thought to myself, this is the one I deserve! this man was to me the completion of my adulthood (to me, anywau). I'd been rippin and runnin since I was 14, talking to as many dudes as I possibly could! Lookin back now, it was because the thing I wanted most in life was just to be pretty, and be noticed. Perhaps because I was cute now, and I was pretty satisfied with that need and realized how idiotic that want was when so many dont have HALF my blessings, I settled down. And now I could talk about my favorite subjects (politics, money, wolrd affairs, trash tv lol) with ease and not worry about whether or not I was understood. And then after that I could hear a cut I hadnt heard in years, just to make me smile.He was my hip-hop.

But where/what has hip-hop come to? Hip-hop has made a pretty tumultuous juorney to where we are now. Nobody talks about anything anymore except how much money they have, how much pussy they're getting, and whether or not you could get fucked up if anybody feels so obliged. Sex, drugs, and videotape,yo.Television shows have eroded its sanctity, made jokes out of what was so special, and the one thing that still belonged to US, whatever way we decided to take it. The same way Hip-hop had a rocky road, so had me and MY hip-hop. Somehow I managed to get myself entagled with someone who didnt want to be in a relationship, while I was ready for a serious and monogamous one. But like most, he told me he wanted me to be exclusive to him, and I was his "baby."I was his "1"(ladies, didnt I tell y'all about this shit in my last blog?)and for a while, that was enough for me. But 1 means that there are other numbers honey (and dont you ever forget it!) Being a man who had been in 8 cities in 7 years, he had hoes in different area codes. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (models, singers, dancers-the whole nine) and I felt terribly inferior. What did IIII possibly have to offer that these other women didnt? Then I thought, it's becasue I'm smart, and becasue I'm not the flashy type, I'm just quietly pretty and supportive. A man that's fairly famous wants a real woman thats smart and strong and can hold him down in the homefront, not a woman to fight him for the spotlight! Then I realized again, that whatever you are, there is always somebody out there Smarter than your smart ass, Funnier than your funny ass, and Killing your beautiful ass!So I'm sure he's done women wrong who are in even better positions than I am. And the straw the broke the camel's back (i LOVE that saying) was that he messes with women around the city that cant compare to me! stupid ghetto women that act like they have no hometraining, fairly pretty women with children who are only looking for a sponsor, not a man (takne from one of his blogs). Give me a fucking break! Most of the time I languished on the vine, just wanting a little of his time, hoping he thought of me at least a little. He would tell me how busy he was, and I respected that. But if you're busy, how in the world do you have time to meet all your new little friends? (red flag!) My heart simply couldn't take anymore.

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE TIME!!!!

1) Dont give it up!- I had to learn this the hard way (my favorite way, apparently) As much as we women hate games, men HAVE to play them! It's a biological mechanism. They love to chase, so run,bitch! Dont give up your cookies! If you do there's nothing to work towards and then they get bored. No matter how good of a match you are, if you do that, you're done. So wait!

2) If he's Not calling you, he's calling somebody!- my mama told me that and I have ALWAYS found it to be true. Dont wonder where he's at, cuz he sure as hell aint wonderin about you! Pick up a damn book! (refer to the "read a book" video on my page ,or youtube!)Dont call him!

3) Nobody is to busy to pick up the phone or send you a short text message and tell you they're thinking about you. Men just dont forget about somebody they truly like, honies.

4) you have to love yourself before you can be in love- I'm still learning. I have to love everything about me, flaws and all, before anybody else could. See, something new I've learned!

5) Know your worth- whether you are a 5 or a ten, a dummy or genious, fat, skinny, short or tall, there is something about you that makes you special and Unique in this world. And that makes you BEAUTIFUL! Dont be afraid to leave each and every jerk until you find that one who can appreciate that specialty about you!Don't be afraid to be selective! Men are, aren't they?

6)All men are not the same, ladies. Even the ones that are absolute assholes to your are wonderful to other girls..You just have to get in where you fit in. And the shit aint easy.And some men are instantly ready to settle down, while others may never be. Listen to T.I...."I aint gonna chase u, I'd rather replace u."

7) If all else fails, know that Karma is a Bitch. And it will get his ass.

So where am I right now? Sitting here, supposed to be doing homework. But this was heavy on my heart, just like he still is.I'm so gone, so addicted... Sometimes I hope he'll read this and realize he lost a good one, but as long as I know it that's all that matters.It hurts like hell, but I'll get over it. I wanted to be his 1, his wife, not wifey, be the mother of his kids and start a family of intelligent black children who know where they come from, but I can still do that with another lucky man...my fantasies were very real, yet youthful, and his shit was smoke, mirrors and pipe dreams over a sick, sick beat...After his contract is up and he leaves louisville, he probably wont even remember my name. I know in the future I'll see him at parties, and hear his voice everywhere as soon as I come home.And I know his regular groupies will be hanging off him, and it will hurt to see it and know that everything he did to me to make me feel good, he'll do to them. I wasn't special to him. but I AM special.I might write an pop song about it one day (lmao)and you know why?

BECAUSE HIP-HOP IS DEAD.

Thursday

Bust-It Baby, huh? NOT!!!!

The older I get, the more I realize how young I really am. Like, really. Being in college is a great thing, but sometimes it isn’t becasue i get a lot of damn free time to think about shit.(shit like this,lol) Also, being 18, I am seeing old folks views more and more and am able to agree with them, while I still understand a teenager’s way of thinking.Romance is and always has been a percentage of my life....and apparently every other healthy young heterosexual female too.But young ladies are getting it confused today...Why the fuck do you want to be somebody’s "Bust-It Baby"?

* first it was dipset’s "honey dip." The song had a nice beat, melody, and whatnot,(basically it was cute.) but when you listen to the words you realize how disrespectful that fucking song really is. No, he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend...so you, who probably already have a boyfriend who might possibly be treating you right, (but it dont matter cuz youre so into this other guy), chill with him and let him hit whenever he wants, becasue he is who he is. I THINK NOT!

*later everyone is in love with being "Wifey". Not "Wife", but "wifey". Please, don’t even fuck with the word if you’re not serious about getting married! We all equate "wifey" with those other idiotic monikers, "my main chick, my bottom bitch" which is telling dudes it’s all right if they fuck around with other girls, as long as you love me. as long as you care about me the most. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Being 1 means that there are other numbers, honey! And that you’re telling him that you dont love yourself enough to demand to be his one and only!

*and now, there’s "Bust-It Baby". Im not too sure there’s a girl out there who doesn’t swoon over plies. Hell, I do myself! He’s sexy and I love his swag....his roughness and grittiness represents that Alpha Male, the man who’s not afraid to lead his household and hold you down always, and also not afraid to take charge in the bedroom, know what I’m sayin?lol. But he’s only talkin about holding it down in the bedroom, and none of that other shit, ok? Any man who loves the streets, a place that will take him to jail or the grave,more than he can love me, is a man I can do without. And that is what these young ladies are confused about.

There is nothing cute about calling yourself any of these names, ladies! You are nobody’s wifey, or honey dip or bust-it baby! Get yourself together! By calling yourself that you arent able to call yourself what you are, a princess, a queen, a LADY! you don’t want no nigga who will treat you like any of these names listed above! Get ya fuckin head in the books and do for you, so that you can find the MAN (not nigga) who will treat you like a motherfucking lady! And on those dry nights when you feel like you need some love, go get you some, but not becasue thats all you are to him. Get it cuz you want it! The niggas will always be there!!! And I am not a hypocrite, cuz I am tellng you right now I have been there. I used to be so excited when I told people about my boyfriend, and that I was "wifed-up’. But I was more enamored with the name than I was with him! GET OVER THAT GHETTO SHIT CUZ THATS ALL IT IS.

Bottom line, we all have struggles with realizing how precious we are and that what we give out between our legs was supposed to be a gift to our husbands. That gift I gave away a while ago, and while it was wrong, I cant regret the past. Even today, the man I’m dating I care about so much that I want to be whatever he wants me to be....SOMETIMES. but then i get unstuck off stupid, becasue things can go from sugar to shit in a minute with a man. you jus never know what these niggas will do next! So before i let him call me anything else I let him, and myself, know, that I AM A FUCKING LADY.ok?

And so are you!

Wednesday

Random Thoughts...I'm gettin shit off my chest


okay...this is how you know that I am bored! i gotta lot on my chest...im not angry or anything...i just have to get it up before it backs up on me like chesse and then you cant get it out and you can't use the bathroom...tmi lmao.
Party on, my brotha: So like last week I went to a kappa party, hoping somewhere in the back of my mind that it would be a regular party. Let me tell y'all sometihng! IF YOU WANT TO STROLL EVERYWHERE YOU WALK AND DANCE THEN JUST THROW A GREEKS-ONLY AND GET OUT OF MY SPACE! Now I know I sound somewhat bitter or something like a hater, it's just not so...I just have a problem holding grudges. No disrespect yo, but alot of dudes and chicks go greek becasue they were nobody before and they become somebody that way...and if you pick that way to go, that's fine. But can you achieve infamy on your own, my friend? Also, Greeks do great, great things for our community as a whole. But on a greater scale, why cant we ALL (unified!!) join hands and get something done! Maybe sing Kumbayaa? ok maybe not Kumbayaa...Perhaps I'm still an annoying freshman picking at the edges of this rotting carcass we call school, but I was somebody in high school and I will continue to be somebody afterwards.Honey.
Which brings me to my next sitch: I'm definitely a somebody,baby, but who the hell am I?(This feels like such a private subject but I am totally like putting myself on blast...lol)I hear all the time that if you are jealous of somebody or wary of another person (or girl), then that's a reflection on yourself....but cant somebody just get on my nerves? Can't I just wanna kick the crap outta somebody? Can't I just take somebody apart piece by piece by looking at them and then talking about them? No, I can't. It's not right. Just today some girl wrote a smart-aleck comment on facebook and when I read it, I wanted to race through Cyberspace and choke her! That's a problem...and on the whole, I need to get it together.And while I have to do that whole "introspection" thing, I still gotta do good in school!
School: I love to learn! Seriously! But dangit if I dont have the most boring classes in the world! It makes it hard to learn....what did the greats do with this problem, since I'm following SOMEBODY's footsteps (don't know whose, but aint nothin new under the sun)It is so hard to crack a book here, with it bein so cold, and you just wanting to sleep...listen to me. I sound pitiful.

Thursday

back like crack and i never left! oh, and that's Ashleigh Nikol now....


i would love to give a shining report of how well christmas went, but since this is MY life, of course that didnt happen. On my last post,I talked about how great of a friend Walter was...and that all men arent dogs. Well, people, I am still trying to hold on to that adage, so I won't go man bashing. But just know that walter turned out to be less of the great man that I described him to be.He did great things for me that I couldnt do for myself at the time....but on the flip side, he was mean, (downright cruel at times) did questionable things to get the money he got,and on top of that lied to me!The best thing he taught me was to stand up for myself when it comes to getting verbally abused. Now, I can spar with the best of them when it comes to a war of words, but when it comes to men that I care about, im soft in the middle. like a marshmallow...however, try me now. Ashley is truly a beast.lol. Needless to say, our friendship has since dissolved.Everyone couldnt wait to get home from college for winter break, myself included. Once I was there, things started to get a little boring....i love to eat and sleep, but even these things can become redundant as all get out...For Christmas, I got a pair of pajamas. A PAIR OF PAJAMAS. I feel hella spoiled for saying it like that, but dangit i gotta more crap than that last year! Proof that Christmas really is for the children.And I know, there are lots of kids out there who werent even fortunate enough to get some wack pajamas like i did, so let me shutup. Plus, ive probably forgotten the real reason for the season, later on that....My new year's resolutions were pretty simple this year.Save money, and take care of myself. But then again, saving money is pretty difficult (for me, anyway)and taking care of myself covers a wider spectrum than i thought right off...I feel old. Old as hell. And Im still only 18.And since Im getting old, i have to start figuring things out on my own, like how to GROW UP! My whole teen life could be summed up in Three words:Crazy, Sexy, Cool.
Crazy: Ive done some truly nutty stuff in this life already.Ive stalked people,drove drunk (on more than one occasion) Ive run over somebody(sorry will! I still love you!), put naked pictures of my ex-boyfriend on the internet for revenge,ran over my leg with my car (it was an accident, not attempted suicide!)
Sexy: It seems like ever since I hit puberty, I am a sex symbol more than I am a young lady, and now, young woman...I love my body, dont get me wrong! (38,27,46...im not a brick house, Im a building!!!lol) but Its a gift and a curse. What do you get when you have a female who thinks like a child and has a body like a woman? Trouble. Think on that one.
Cool: For a while, I struggled to fit in (yeah, I aint ashamed to say it!) and it seemed like the minute I stopped trying, people started flocking to me. And thats fine. But inherently, everybody has a need to be accepted. And perhaps my need was once a little greater than others.
So becasue of this combination, my life is a cocktail of CRAZY! And i think that I want to change that a little. But How would I do that without losing MY edge?p.s., I changed my name from Ashley Nicole to Ashleigh Nikol. That name is so common, I wanted it to at least look a little different!A little Fly! Well, here's to new beginnings...
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