Champale, Chronic and Soren Kierkegard Nightcap...how much can YOU take before you need one?

It is smack dab in the middle of my first round of school tests. Im finished w/ half, and today I had my test w/Creole Magic. Some sort of test fairy came down and prevented me getting in trouble for cheating by letting him copy off me by giving us two different tests. In the midst of another melodrama featuring yours truly, I'm trying to cool off by listening to Coltrane and donny Hathaway and peeking in the mind of Kierkegard. Before I go into my details of the latest, goof-ball, hairy situation, I feel as though I need to explain myself. While I'm in school, the cradle of unrest, there are a plethora of things plaguing me, things that we know about -WaMu closing, then Wachovia closing, loans drying up, employment rates reaching 6.1 and rising (or lowering depending on how you look at it.), Palin being able to see Russia from her window... these things are highly depressing, and if you can go nowhere else to get ur mind off things and laugh, you can come right here.Also, some of these things on here, like I had to tell Will and now I feel I must tell you, are fiction. I leave it up to you deduce the real from the fake, like my hair....=)I also know that when I'm writing about somebody, unless they care if they're talked about publicly, to shield them. I have ethics, ya know...but perhaps not enough. Tonight, Hip-hop, through one of his loves from the past...discovered my blog. And threatened to slap me with a law suit.
Maybe it's the champale, but I laughed so hard I peed.
While I'd like to get all "Shaniqua" and put my "clown hat" on, something is stopping me. I just dont know what. Have any of you all ever been "discovered"? And/or threatened to have your outlet PUT OUT? Many of the things I post are minimal day-to-day eyerolls that can be blown up for entertainment, but I am a die-hard writer when serious and have been since i wrote limericks at ten about not wanting to do my chores. Also, I dont like talking about relationships ALL the time...its messy and mushy and not me. But alas, Ive been pushed. In my last post I mentioned being a go-hard-or-go-home hip-hop feminist. I am the ultimate LADIES FIRST go-to girl, but as all my friends know, when I'm in a relationship i go from roaring tigress to purring Kitty Kat. I stifled my roar in the last relationship I was in becuase, i kinda like the man being the MAN-as in dominant, he-man, alpha male.I'm pretty much all for the man being the head and blah blah blah, I love to support my man and make him feel like the greatest when I have one. I like cooking, cleaning,doing special stuff for my significant other as long as My needs were taken care of. Being 19, those needs are minimal-call me on the phone once a week at least, take me out on a date at least once a month, make me feel special, you know! and when i repeat that to other girls, they're all..."THATS IT"? yeah, thats it. But my needs were not met, to say the least. And i toiled in a relationship over a year waiting for the magic to start. But alas, it didnt. I can only put up w/ so much, but being stood up for dates, called out of my name, lied to, cheated on is a LITTLE much, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Madea says in her book on relationships how she's an old-school fool-she goes through check books, receipts phone bills. I didnt even go through his phone...but I DID meddle on the internet. All the time. It was all I had, and I found out alot.It was basically how I found out about some of the girls he had had flings w/..and discovered exes too. As a rule from now on I MUST know about exes and why yall broke up, because if you have gray hair in places other than ur head and ur not married, theres a problem. (lol, I kid, I kid!) but yeah.These days, I dont too much care about who's who in his life and who he's cavorting with now, and am pretty angry at myself for putting up w/ so much for so long.But girls do crazy things they usually wouldnt when a man tell you he loves you.And I dont care about him finding out about this blog, partly becasue i wanted his input on it long months ago(a little while before I wrote the first chronicles), since he fancies himself some sort of philosopher and writes blogs himself giving advice. GIVING ADVICE to people about their relationships. Ole- I just figured out why Im not at all hot about this situation. People only want to hurt others when they're still hurting, hoping, or holding on. hmmmmm.
So, men and women: Have you ever been pushed to the limits relationship-wise? And has anybody ever found out about the people YOU've tried to keep anonymous? (though as I read back over my past posts, I didnt try that well...lol)
ps....Depending on the day that the drama queen, albeit person I still Love very much decides to sue the pants off of me, I could be going commando, which means I might have to show my ass....
pss lol: I included two videos that made me crack up while trying to calm down!Souljah girl the star!

hip hop chronicles part 2

I am an evil person. sometimes. well, alot. becasue underneath all my comedy and all my, um, ashleighness, there is still an insecure little girl there....I reconciled with hip-hop. I felt as though I couldn't be without him, breathe without him, or anything, especially while he's still in the vicinity and it's almost as though I can feel his heart beating somewhere....oh dear, I'm starting to slip into spoken word crap, let me go on....ladies, have you ever been jealous another woman and that woman didnt even know you existed? Or maybe she had some inkling that there is a you but she doesnt know who you are? If you're confused, then let me clarify. Things have been going really well with me and hip-hop lately (i think ive fallen!) but there is one roadblock of a woman in the way of my dreams! let's call her Nicole.* Nicole and hip-hop were friends for five years before WE ever met. She is a singer and in the business they're in, in their careers theyve worked together alot. (she needs people like him if she wants to get her music out.) . in any case, he told me (recently) that they're just friends and that's all they would ever be. Before that when I asked he called her a gold-digger. BEFORE that he said that was the closest thing he had had to a girlfriend. I smell emotions from this nigga,man. And i dont like it.And something about her is nagging the SHIT out of me, and I was told never to ignore the little voice inside.(well, that and the damn myspace comments they occasionally post to each other....yeah, I meddle! so fuckin what!)So of course you can guess what she looks like: some half-breed exotic beauty with big doe eyes and pale skin and long curly hair, therefore making my nubian beauty darken in comparison....what's worse is, I actually think she's probably a sweet person. So sometimes i feel bad for hating her and wanting her to dissapear from his life. (am I wrong for that?) I keep wondering why I'm even bothered by the thought of her; she's all the way across the country! I'm the one that wakes up in his arms, I'm the one he talks to every day, and the one he constantly reassures and just tells me to have a little faith in him....so tell me, is my woman's intuition just out of wack? Is it ok for your man to have female friends, especially when in the career he's in you can't do shit about it anyway? I need some answers.
P.s, the job isnt fuckin great, but it isn't the worst either. That's for anther day.
pss, final question: Why do all black men think they have a prize when they have some non-black woman? Sorry to offend you brothers if this isnt you, but i gotta know somethn!

Why Hip-Hop is dead

Brown sugar is one of my favorite movies. No, I mean like really. lol The way Hip-Hop is used as a Euphimism for love just blows me away, and I don't know why! My momma told me I would end up with an older man a few years ago, and I held onto that. Though I'm 18, I know for certain I'm just a tad bit different from other chicks my age. (EVERYBODY says that, so I try not to that often.) I realize that yes, I am still a kid in a lotta ways, but honey is growing up fast in college, hear me? I got Bills out the ass, I'm not carefree any more, and I'm about my future! The bible does say "When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child...but when I became a man I put childish things away." And I'm a man now, baby. (lol a WOman)

And then I met a man. And he was older than me...and he was intelligent, had already graduated form college AND graduate school...and he was the 6'5 to my 6'0 in heels, and he was suave and handsome, and the list goes on... I was in deep, y'all.But on top of it all, he was an original B-Boy!Big in Louisville right now, and no, he isnt a rapper. Look up the definition if you are a little confused. I thought to myself, this is the one I deserve! this man was to me the completion of my adulthood (to me, anywau). I'd been rippin and runnin since I was 14, talking to as many dudes as I possibly could! Lookin back now, it was because the thing I wanted most in life was just to be pretty, and be noticed. Perhaps because I was cute now, and I was pretty satisfied with that need and realized how idiotic that want was when so many dont have HALF my blessings, I settled down. And now I could talk about my favorite subjects (politics, money, wolrd affairs, trash tv lol) with ease and not worry about whether or not I was understood. And then after that I could hear a cut I hadnt heard in years, just to make me smile.He was my hip-hop.

But where/what has hip-hop come to? Hip-hop has made a pretty tumultuous juorney to where we are now. Nobody talks about anything anymore except how much money they have, how much pussy they're getting, and whether or not you could get fucked up if anybody feels so obliged. Sex, drugs, and videotape,yo.Television shows have eroded its sanctity, made jokes out of what was so special, and the one thing that still belonged to US, whatever way we decided to take it. The same way Hip-hop had a rocky road, so had me and MY hip-hop. Somehow I managed to get myself entagled with someone who didnt want to be in a relationship, while I was ready for a serious and monogamous one. But like most, he told me he wanted me to be exclusive to him, and I was his "baby."I was his "1"(ladies, didnt I tell y'all about this shit in my last blog?)and for a while, that was enough for me. But 1 means that there are other numbers honey (and dont you ever forget it!) Being a man who had been in 8 cities in 7 years, he had hoes in different area codes. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (models, singers, dancers-the whole nine) and I felt terribly inferior. What did IIII possibly have to offer that these other women didnt? Then I thought, it's becasue I'm smart, and becasue I'm not the flashy type, I'm just quietly pretty and supportive. A man that's fairly famous wants a real woman thats smart and strong and can hold him down in the homefront, not a woman to fight him for the spotlight! Then I realized again, that whatever you are, there is always somebody out there Smarter than your smart ass, Funnier than your funny ass, and Killing your beautiful ass!So I'm sure he's done women wrong who are in even better positions than I am. And the straw the broke the camel's back (i LOVE that saying) was that he messes with women around the city that cant compare to me! stupid ghetto women that act like they have no hometraining, fairly pretty women with children who are only looking for a sponsor, not a man (takne from one of his blogs). Give me a fucking break! Most of the time I languished on the vine, just wanting a little of his time, hoping he thought of me at least a little. He would tell me how busy he was, and I respected that. But if you're busy, how in the world do you have time to meet all your new little friends? (red flag!) My heart simply couldn't take anymore.

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE TIME!!!!

1) Dont give it up!- I had to learn this the hard way (my favorite way, apparently) As much as we women hate games, men HAVE to play them! It's a biological mechanism. They love to chase, so run,bitch! Dont give up your cookies! If you do there's nothing to work towards and then they get bored. No matter how good of a match you are, if you do that, you're done. So wait!

2) If he's Not calling you, he's calling somebody!- my mama told me that and I have ALWAYS found it to be true. Dont wonder where he's at, cuz he sure as hell aint wonderin about you! Pick up a damn book! (refer to the "read a book" video on my page ,or youtube!)Dont call him!

3) Nobody is to busy to pick up the phone or send you a short text message and tell you they're thinking about you. Men just dont forget about somebody they truly like, honies.

4) you have to love yourself before you can be in love- I'm still learning. I have to love everything about me, flaws and all, before anybody else could. See, something new I've learned!

5) Know your worth- whether you are a 5 or a ten, a dummy or genious, fat, skinny, short or tall, there is something about you that makes you special and Unique in this world. And that makes you BEAUTIFUL! Dont be afraid to leave each and every jerk until you find that one who can appreciate that specialty about you!Don't be afraid to be selective! Men are, aren't they?

6)All men are not the same, ladies. Even the ones that are absolute assholes to your are wonderful to other girls..You just have to get in where you fit in. And the shit aint easy.And some men are instantly ready to settle down, while others may never be. Listen to T.I...."I aint gonna chase u, I'd rather replace u."

7) If all else fails, know that Karma is a Bitch. And it will get his ass.

So where am I right now? Sitting here, supposed to be doing homework. But this was heavy on my heart, just like he still is.I'm so gone, so addicted... Sometimes I hope he'll read this and realize he lost a good one, but as long as I know it that's all that matters.It hurts like hell, but I'll get over it. I wanted to be his 1, his wife, not wifey, be the mother of his kids and start a family of intelligent black children who know where they come from, but I can still do that with another lucky man...my fantasies were very real, yet youthful, and his shit was smoke, mirrors and pipe dreams over a sick, sick beat...After his contract is up and he leaves louisville, he probably wont even remember my name. I know in the future I'll see him at parties, and hear his voice everywhere as soon as I come home.And I know his regular groupies will be hanging off him, and it will hurt to see it and know that everything he did to me to make me feel good, he'll do to them. I wasn't special to him. but I AM special.I might write an pop song about it one day (lmao)and you know why?

BECAUSE HIP-HOP IS DEAD.